weight lifting, tv watching, making models of superheroes, making prosthetics for hallowe'en, going to movies, going to meetings, eating, driving my car around, walking, digesting food, sleeping, thinking about things, fantacizing, infanticiding, making off colour jokes,making my parents proud, purchasing birthday presents, drinking, occasional hero-clicks, settlers of kataan, disputing the cultural value of hockey, being a huge nerd, writing a play, reading a play, directing a play, producing a play, casting a show, doing a show, seeing a show, talking about somebody else's show

film, tv, rap, jazz, german caberet singing, comics, novels, current event non-fiction, computers, other people, politics, the environment, the exposing of powerful liars, possibly you, religion, extraterrestrial life, zombies, the afterlife, art, knitting (observationally), what other people are talking about, popular culture, how dumb is everyone, why?, how?, what are you doing, right NOW, the incredible hulk

rap, electronica, german caberet singing, acoustic guitar, a caustic guitar, a drop kick too far, and above all forever the verbal and rhythmic stylings of the RED I KNIGHT !

movies: they are all awesome. or shitty. or just okay. which is shitty.

books: they are all awesome. or shitty. or just okay. which is shitty.

tv shows: they are all awesome. or shitty. or just okay. which is shitty.




"there's this old joke, a man takes his brother to see a psychiatrist, he says "Doctor, you've got to help me, my brother thinks he's a chicken!"

The Doctor says, "I think we can cure him."

and the man says, "You can't do that! I need the eggs!"



i think this would work better if you asked me questions and i tried to answer you as honestly as possible. wouldn't you learn more. right now i am just deciding what to share and it hardly seems fair. what about all the stuff i don't want you to know?


look at me from the side

this is my profile.

tommorrow i see my mom
i hope she likes my friends
i hope she makes banana bread
i love her banana bread
i love her
i hope she lives forever
and bakes banana bread

at night
with jania asleep
it's just you and me, internet
go ahead


dazzle me

today is the last rehearsal
of 321
before we go on tour

in kitchener
we will stay
a whole three days
with my religious mom
she will love nathan
almost as much as jesus
and as we shut the door
we'll say
nathan's gay
and leap into the moving car

today is the first rft board meeting
in forever
for me
much has occurred
and must occur yet
between now and the ganza
when the season ends
almost

and i'm sorry mr comment
i talk about my own life here
not the lives of others
you will see who is gone
when they are no longer there
perez hilton might dish the dirt
i put it in pots

i get so nervous in board meetings
am nervous in general
with the people in charge of me
luckily there aren't very many such people
or i'd be nervous all the time

all is well, well...

oh the blog!
one forgets that people actually read it

my culture shock is dimming
it no longer destroys me
that a greek dinner costs
what my friends make in a month

it just hurts a little

rft is short on senior improvisers for now
but we have survived exoduses before
the younger talent pool is strong
but years away
from being a jules or a bill
but all will be well
all is well, well...

some things are not

loss
and
death
of the loved ones of our loved ones
life continues to be

hard

what did you expect?

but i am more or less okay
rft is okay too
i say this
because you seemed worried
thank you
for caring

if you did

but all is well

well...

not all is well
but within parameters
of expectation
the world being what it is
immoral war for raging
the atmosphere collapsing
powerful forces deliberately denying humanity the chance to save itself
mainstream media a pack of lying liars
good people kept as poor as dirt
so coke can have a protected market

and don't forget

the human condition remains in play
entropy
death
loss
of the loved ones of our loved ones
things fall apart
it is the nature of things
with david suzuki
and anyone, really

with you

but all is well
this is all normal
this is our new normal

what do you think?

so, here we go
one does go on
what else does one do?

i tried to drink my way through it
i tried to laugh my way through it
i tried to work my way through it
i tried to laugh my way through it

now i will try all of the above
step one is shutting up about it

schedules need organizing
rft's senior improvisors
are dropping like flies
moving away
going to LA, mostly
or Vancouver (LA Jr)
or still insisting on living in europe
on the thin excuse of a wife and child
or new zealand of all places
(where was the old zealand?
in our hearts.)
or to pursue the career
of a rock star
that one is a two for one deal
half the time i lose another improviser
who just wants to watch them play

the fact is
i have a lot less people to do shows with
here at RFT

what happened here?
i couldn't have driven them all away...

when it was me and mark and ron and jacob
ambition was a dirty word
it was frowned upon to want anything more
i was often frowned upon

now if you miss a pilot season
you're just fucking lazy
or ugly
or too old

edmonton got more interesting, said jacob
we have real gossip now
people flame out on drugs
just like real live stars
seemed like ten years went by
and nothing changed at all
now it changes by the minute
it changed while i was typing this

i mean
look at you

you've changed.

it's hard to get your work done
when your society seems so dumb to you now
how am i supposed to care deeply about canadian theatre
when kids are starving everywhere
even in the rich countries
even here

what kind of fucking people are we, anyway?

normal life

so you get home
and you get back to work
real life
normal life
i've heard it called
i've called it

the energy of
of artistic youth
can overwhelm in sufficient numbers
the nosebowl was a success
the C I G too
Canadian Improv Games
to use it's whole name

i taught a workshop
i planned it a little
but i didn't plan for a class of 32
this is why class size
is such an issue for teachers
this is why they strike and grumble
and really occasionally sleep with their students
that work is stressful

striking is an act of garnering appreciation
by removing the activities that feel unappreciated

in relationships it's called a "break"

jacob is in town
we rocked fun shows on the weekend
showed them nosebowlers how its done
the final chimprov of nosebowl
is the real end of the festival for me
we get so worked up
feeling the pressure
of pretending to know what we're doing

now i'm rehearsing 3...2...1
it's a play
it's been described as
"the trailer park boys meets the long day's journey into night"
this is not unapt
i get to act with my friend nathan
he's the best actor i know
i think

this tour we're doing is kind of retarded

its one of those

one night only leave town in the morning set it up do it again all in tiny cities where no one will see the play and will lead to nothing just a way to do the play for some people who will probably be totally offended anyway

but, in kitchener we're all staying with my mom

so that's hilarious

3...2...1 got published in a book
called two hands clapping
(insert masturbation joke here)
it's a book of two handed plays
we're a society of two handed people

that's why it resonates with our culture

our culture

i can't get used to how much everything costs
i used to look at menus and think
three dollars?? it better be good...
paying more for sandwiches than i used to spend all day
and all this room
and all this stuff

been talking more about that little beach house off of las penitas
will we really?
i always hoped i'd have a beach house someday
but i thought i'd have to get much richer than this
we dream about what it will be
a house for us
a minihotel for brigades passing through
an arts centre my friends disappear too
only to return with shows that are awesome

it can be all these things
and things i haven't thought of

if we can just manage to buy it
it's not that much
if you have a real job

which i don't

so cold. so cold.

the statue of geroge bush sr
in the george bush airport at houston
is a dynamic one
golden george
always striding ahead
tossing his suit jacket jauntily over his shoulder
the savior of kuwait
proud father

in the passport line
an offical says
'you're canadians?'
and we are ushered to a shorter line
that says US citizens
we cruise through so quickly
like the junior americans we are

it's a five hour layover
i buy comic books
ultimate x men
volumes 4 through 6
me and jania wait

all of travel is waiting

the day starts at 5 am and pulls into the calgary airport at 10 pm
it can't beleive it's the same day
it can't beleive how cold it is

the condo in calgary feels weirdly huge
so much space
we got used to living in a hotel room smaller than this kitchen
we got used to so much less
how long until we're so used to being rich that we feel poor again?
how long until we're used to being cold?

during my last day on the beach
i set up for my final nicaraguan interview
emailed about RFT publicity
ocean crashing into itself
about 50 meters away

obviously
i am going home

i am hungry to work
but afraid of the cold
of the weather
and in the eyes
of certain people
who live where i do

jania and i talked of the future
what we thought it would be
what it mght be
i want to move but don't
she wants more school, maybe
edmonton is so small and cliquey
toronto is closer to my other family
but on the other hand
it's closer to my other famiy
Calgary has been spoken of
they make tv there
and what of this nicaragua
how much time to give our new best friend?
how many documentaries can one realistically make
about your girlfriend's work?

in the end we decided
it will all happen however it does
no matter how much we worry

we all know what john lennon said

'oh god, this lunatic shot me'

you know he didn't see that coming

we must take things a moment at a time
set up the tripod
listen to the mic
ask your questons

and hope for usable footage

it´s almost done
over and done

global poverty is like the matrix
once you know about it
it´s hard to unknow
and i find myself wondering
if i would have been happier
taking the blue pill

it´s my gloomy nature
jania tells me
to focus on the AIDS in the children
instead of the children in the river
to dwell on the curse of knowing
instead of the joy of inclusion

we were so privledged to be trusted
in these lives while we were
while we are, and we are, forever
you can´t unsee things
you can only reorder them and forget
take the blue pill in peices
in beers, worries and busyness
of everyday life

the bastards count on it
they make life a little harder in increments
so that we never have the time
to change our clothes
let alone our world

Let alone our world!
i want to scream at them
but they won´t hear me
they can´t
over the cash registers

and the alien anthropoligists will know
we were the world
who died for an extra 3 percent

i know i´m supposed to write about nicaragua

we drove and drove
and got to a beach
and then drove to another one
so many pelicans so close
i could almost float up and touch
their incredibly long faces

why the long face?
my guess is
global warming

we drove out to playa coco
where the turtles nest
in the thousands
no turtles for five days
the army guys says
(they are guarded by army guys because the UN says too)
why the change
they don´t know
i imagine i do
global warming

i begin to obsess about climate change
the way we obsessed about nuclear war
when Reagan was the asshole
and GW was still on cocaine

the end of the world
has a way of sticking in the mind

all the best minds on earth agree
that it may already be too late
but all the papers say it´s a scare tactic
to protect the oil industry
the pentagon has a leaked report on global warming
the most pessimistic to date

those hippies

nuclear war could have happened
if somebody did something drastic
global warming happened
because no one will do something drastic
like make cars just a little more efficient
twenty years ago

remember the ozone layer
we spray hairspray with pumps now
it got a bit better
i guess the hairspray industry
has some beefing up to do in washington

this is what is running through my mind
these last days in Nicaragua
I bum everyone out
no one likes to hear
about the end of the world

but of course it isn´t
not the end of the world
just the end of the parasite it´s been infected with
boring into her skin and pulling out money
at a rate irresponsible to her breath

here´s the lies for global warming:

we don´t know enough about it

it´s not our fault anyway

there´s probably nothing we can do

it might be beneficial!

i want to tell your friends
that instead of hockey and ballet for their children
maybe weapons training
maybe a survival class
how to skin a rabbit your snared
on the frozen tundra of arizona
how to befriend the brutal warlord
who runs your security quadrant

it´s my last weekend in nicaragua this year
and with the future in such peril
i try to find the resources within
to enjoy beauty while it exists

and try not to reflect on the irony
that the world is ending
just when i figured out i want kids

blog about it!
you have to blog about it!
says Jania
so here it is

i ate this thing
it looks like a hockey puck
it was kind of spicy
with a hint of mint

i heard it was pork
but it looked like rice
then Angel said
yes
it´s rice
rice
in pigs blood

gross, right?
it´s like the british
with their sausage thing

now that i have been exposed to pigs blood
i will destroy you all
with my terrifing telekinetic powers

the last day

the last day of the clinic
produced quite a few tears
hector proved with his emotions
he is not a midget billionaire

andrea too was quite moist near her eyes
jania too
but not me

i am a man

one last superman for antonio
one last hug with a spin for the brothers
one last listen on the camera headphones
one last dose of whatever we have
to whatever they can keep

we ate at locoburger
it´s a nicaraguan chain
there will be a mini chapter in the doc
i asked the guy at the counter
are you better than McDonalds
Claro que si (of course we are)
we use real meat

then we went to Los Torroes
there´s a school there that we have a duffel bag full of stuff for
shoes, socks, toothbrushes
that kind of thing

i interview a girl there
she´s from ottawa
a ID student at the U of T
she´s teaching now
but she´s going to be a missionary
it´s not her idea, she says
but God had a plan for her
we do the interview
and i ask her to sign the release
she sees the working title and blanches

- accupuncture works in nicaragua?
that is what you´re doing here?

i explain it is a rural medicine
good for impoverished areas
due to it´s simple equipment needs

she tells me she does not beleive in accupuncture
i figure she is skeptical about its medical value
but no
she thinks its evil
she furthermore informs me
that people who have a relationship with jesus
(as i obviously don´t, she divines by my face, which is looking at her like she´s crazy, ithink she´s crazy)
people who have a relationship with Jesus
don´t beleive in it
it works with the spirit
it´s dangerous

is it witchcraft, i ask?
well, it is like witchcraft, she says

will you sign the form, i ask
no, she says
and you should tell people what you are doing up front
she´s accusing me
like i´m the asshole

i was furious

i behaved badly

angel went to look at our donations
i said loudly
well they´re kind of tainted now!
will anyone want a witchcraft toothbrush?

she´s the only one who understands english
so i guess it was for her

i was ashamed of myself later

for getting mad
and for not having my camera when she said accupuncture was like witchcraft
i love exposing christians with their crazy talk
it´s all invisible satan all over the place with these people
it´s hilarious

why is it that people who claim to have a personal relationship with kurt cobain are crazy
while people like this get to be president?

why does it make me so mad?

later we went to see the giant siholette of sandino
the first and greatest revolutionary of nicaragua
watches the City eternally

the dump is on fire
smoke plumes over the City
i shoot it from the lookout
200 families live there
off the garbage
of the slightly better off people

it´s the last day
we´re supposed to play now
beach tommorrow
all like that

we found the energy to work hard
do we have enough left
to relax

the beach is largely though of as a place for fun
our study supports that

one hundred and six people were brought in
two busses and our montero
a cafe rented out
it´s owned by a friend of the centre
a friend of Eduardo

the whole trip is the notion and gift of Eduardo
an Edmontonian we know
a teacher of disabled kids
who volunteered there for 18 years
several of the kids call him papa

why not?

some are afraid of the water
they want in, but with limits

they are very specific

they grip monkey style to our torsos
and scream at the currents
jania crawls with norman
back and forth with the waves
in about six inches of water

Hector is carried about
barking instructions
he looks like a midget billionaire

moisise has no fear
he is six
i throw him around
it´s fun

musicians come by
they play for us and the kids dance
some of them very well

lunch is brought in
in huge tubs
what a production this is
the workers are watching kids as a team
they practise zone defence
and man to man
they know just what they are doing

julio is there
we weren´t sure he would be
andrea thinks he´s playing me
he does ask for a lot of things
in my bad spanish i ask him
why do you want things all the time?
instead of just being my friend?
he looks at me and says
friends share.
its funny
and true

use me, jacob would say
when i worried he was giving too much
or else i go unused

in any case
i didn´t rent the quad for julio
i stand by the decision

our broken morale
lifts slightly
it´s home stretch
and we run just ahead of the ball

today is a heavy day
if today was a hat
i´d be shorter

we sleepwalk through the clinic
on dream feet that sink

our friend was robbed
beat up
threatened
thrown from the taxi
banditos organized
in gangs of two
my friend is a local

so this is no stupid whitey

it can happen to anyone

she thanks God
she was not killed
she thanks God for friends like us
she thanks God nothing is broken
that she landed on the earth
and not what we cover the earth with
she is only bruised

and traumatized

she stayed up late
looked at mugshots
they will get these guys
and just because her borther in law is a commissioner of the policia
and the jefe de policia´s neice
had the same thing happen to her

but it helps

we took up a collection
a robbery can be life changing
in a land of the poor
twenty bucks each makes up a month´s wages
i can understand robbery
but I don´t get this

she wanted to share with us
because we are friends
but now it is past
and she will come tonight to kareoke
to the beach tommorrow
and let´s not talk about it

and now lulu
(do you know lulu?)
a towering spirit
with a flickering light
if you know her say something
now is the time
go to her
www.lulularude.com

i stagger under my hat
maybe it will be lightened
by singing islands in the stream
with an old friend