there is a strange isolated happiness
when you are wearing headphones
and everyone else is sleeping
they think it's quiet
but i know the truth
is much louder

there is a strange weary grasping
when you are checking your email this much
is writing so bad
that you bore yourself silly avoiding it?

procrastination is not a pro but a con
of oneself out of time
which i am not, not yet
but will be eventually, and time
is money, which i was paid to write
as a writer, a professional writer
partially

the money is gone, or this the same money
i can't remember which dollars i saved
and which i spent
on the things i spend on

generous, rich feeling phases
followed by miserly fear
expanding and contracting
like the universe

poor vernon little
books where everything goes so wrong for the innocent hero
make me anxious
poor ficticious character
poor everyone

i wish i could write novels
but i don't even want to write a play
i just want it written
and in rehearsals
and very good

yet somehow
i find the time for these poems
maybe because the internet is involved
it seems like play
instead of a play
which is work
understand?

sure.

jacob used to say to us
we don't work
none of us work
and he's right
but he used to feel righter
understand?

sure.

things mean things
art does and all that
and taking care of each other
and love
these all mean things
we're not just trapped animals
with freakish brains
spinning on a ball of mud
killing each other for no reason at all
things mean things

right?

i am on a bed
in kelowna
with my ipod on
my laptop on
connected!
all the infotainment-pornmation-socialintercon
warming my thighs
what does it mean?

it's time to be useful
be useful to something or someone
even if its yourself
something that means something
to you
or someone who means something
to you

something bigger than you
like a sasquatch or a universe

or an idea
of a hope

when you are wearing headphones and everyone is asleep
it's easy to feel like
you are
floating
alone

they think it's quiet
but you know the truth
is much louder