weight lifting, tv watching, making models of superheroes, making prosthetics for hallowe'en, going to movies, going to meetings, eating, driving my car around, walking, digesting food, sleeping, thinking about things, fantacizing, infanticiding, making off colour jokes,making my parents proud, purchasing birthday presents, drinking, occasional hero-clicks, settlers of kataan, disputing the cultural value of hockey, being a huge nerd, writing a play, reading a play, directing a play, producing a play, casting a show, doing a show, seeing a show, talking about somebody else's show

film, tv, rap, jazz, german caberet singing, comics, novels, current event non-fiction, computers, other people, politics, the environment, the exposing of powerful liars, possibly you, religion, extraterrestrial life, zombies, the afterlife, art, knitting (observationally), what other people are talking about, popular culture, how dumb is everyone, why?, how?, what are you doing, right NOW, the incredible hulk

rap, electronica, german caberet singing, acoustic guitar, a caustic guitar, a drop kick too far, and above all forever the verbal and rhythmic stylings of the RED I KNIGHT !

movies: they are all awesome. or shitty. or just okay. which is shitty.

books: they are all awesome. or shitty. or just okay. which is shitty.

tv shows: they are all awesome. or shitty. or just okay. which is shitty.




"there's this old joke, a man takes his brother to see a psychiatrist, he says "Doctor, you've got to help me, my brother thinks he's a chicken!"

The Doctor says, "I think we can cure him."

and the man says, "You can't do that! I need the eggs!"



i think this would work better if you asked me questions and i tried to answer you as honestly as possible. wouldn't you learn more. right now i am just deciding what to share and it hardly seems fair. what about all the stuff i don't want you to know?


look at me from the side

this is my profile.

tommorrow i see my mom
i hope she likes my friends
i hope she makes banana bread
i love her banana bread
i love her
i hope she lives forever
and bakes banana bread

at night
with jania asleep
it's just you and me, internet
go ahead


dazzle me

today is the last rehearsal
of 321
before we go on tour

in kitchener
we will stay
a whole three days
with my religious mom
she will love nathan
almost as much as jesus
and as we shut the door
we'll say
nathan's gay
and leap into the moving car

today is the first rft board meeting
in forever
for me
much has occurred
and must occur yet
between now and the ganza
when the season ends
almost

and i'm sorry mr comment
i talk about my own life here
not the lives of others
you will see who is gone
when they are no longer there
perez hilton might dish the dirt
i put it in pots

i get so nervous in board meetings
am nervous in general
with the people in charge of me
luckily there aren't very many such people
or i'd be nervous all the time

all is well, well...

oh the blog!
one forgets that people actually read it

my culture shock is dimming
it no longer destroys me
that a greek dinner costs
what my friends make in a month

it just hurts a little

rft is short on senior improvisers for now
but we have survived exoduses before
the younger talent pool is strong
but years away
from being a jules or a bill
but all will be well
all is well, well...

some things are not

loss
and
death
of the loved ones of our loved ones
life continues to be

hard

what did you expect?

but i am more or less okay
rft is okay too
i say this
because you seemed worried
thank you
for caring

if you did

but all is well

well...

not all is well
but within parameters
of expectation
the world being what it is
immoral war for raging
the atmosphere collapsing
powerful forces deliberately denying humanity the chance to save itself
mainstream media a pack of lying liars
good people kept as poor as dirt
so coke can have a protected market

and don't forget

the human condition remains in play
entropy
death
loss
of the loved ones of our loved ones
things fall apart
it is the nature of things
with david suzuki
and anyone, really

with you

but all is well
this is all normal
this is our new normal

what do you think?

so, here we go
one does go on
what else does one do?

i tried to drink my way through it
i tried to laugh my way through it
i tried to work my way through it
i tried to laugh my way through it

now i will try all of the above
step one is shutting up about it

schedules need organizing
rft's senior improvisors
are dropping like flies
moving away
going to LA, mostly
or Vancouver (LA Jr)
or still insisting on living in europe
on the thin excuse of a wife and child
or new zealand of all places
(where was the old zealand?
in our hearts.)
or to pursue the career
of a rock star
that one is a two for one deal
half the time i lose another improviser
who just wants to watch them play

the fact is
i have a lot less people to do shows with
here at RFT

what happened here?
i couldn't have driven them all away...

when it was me and mark and ron and jacob
ambition was a dirty word
it was frowned upon to want anything more
i was often frowned upon

now if you miss a pilot season
you're just fucking lazy
or ugly
or too old

edmonton got more interesting, said jacob
we have real gossip now
people flame out on drugs
just like real live stars
seemed like ten years went by
and nothing changed at all
now it changes by the minute
it changed while i was typing this

i mean
look at you

you've changed.

it's hard to get your work done
when your society seems so dumb to you now
how am i supposed to care deeply about canadian theatre
when kids are starving everywhere
even in the rich countries
even here

what kind of fucking people are we, anyway?

normal life

so you get home
and you get back to work
real life
normal life
i've heard it called
i've called it

the energy of
of artistic youth
can overwhelm in sufficient numbers
the nosebowl was a success
the C I G too
Canadian Improv Games
to use it's whole name

i taught a workshop
i planned it a little
but i didn't plan for a class of 32
this is why class size
is such an issue for teachers
this is why they strike and grumble
and really occasionally sleep with their students
that work is stressful

striking is an act of garnering appreciation
by removing the activities that feel unappreciated

in relationships it's called a "break"

jacob is in town
we rocked fun shows on the weekend
showed them nosebowlers how its done
the final chimprov of nosebowl
is the real end of the festival for me
we get so worked up
feeling the pressure
of pretending to know what we're doing

now i'm rehearsing 3...2...1
it's a play
it's been described as
"the trailer park boys meets the long day's journey into night"
this is not unapt
i get to act with my friend nathan
he's the best actor i know
i think

this tour we're doing is kind of retarded

its one of those

one night only leave town in the morning set it up do it again all in tiny cities where no one will see the play and will lead to nothing just a way to do the play for some people who will probably be totally offended anyway

but, in kitchener we're all staying with my mom

so that's hilarious

3...2...1 got published in a book
called two hands clapping
(insert masturbation joke here)
it's a book of two handed plays
we're a society of two handed people

that's why it resonates with our culture

our culture

i can't get used to how much everything costs
i used to look at menus and think
three dollars?? it better be good...
paying more for sandwiches than i used to spend all day
and all this room
and all this stuff

been talking more about that little beach house off of las penitas
will we really?
i always hoped i'd have a beach house someday
but i thought i'd have to get much richer than this
we dream about what it will be
a house for us
a minihotel for brigades passing through
an arts centre my friends disappear too
only to return with shows that are awesome

it can be all these things
and things i haven't thought of

if we can just manage to buy it
it's not that much
if you have a real job

which i don't

so cold. so cold.

the statue of geroge bush sr
in the george bush airport at houston
is a dynamic one
golden george
always striding ahead
tossing his suit jacket jauntily over his shoulder
the savior of kuwait
proud father

in the passport line
an offical says
'you're canadians?'
and we are ushered to a shorter line
that says US citizens
we cruise through so quickly
like the junior americans we are

it's a five hour layover
i buy comic books
ultimate x men
volumes 4 through 6
me and jania wait

all of travel is waiting

the day starts at 5 am and pulls into the calgary airport at 10 pm
it can't beleive it's the same day
it can't beleive how cold it is

the condo in calgary feels weirdly huge
so much space
we got used to living in a hotel room smaller than this kitchen
we got used to so much less
how long until we're so used to being rich that we feel poor again?
how long until we're used to being cold?

during my last day on the beach
i set up for my final nicaraguan interview
emailed about RFT publicity
ocean crashing into itself
about 50 meters away

obviously
i am going home

i am hungry to work
but afraid of the cold
of the weather
and in the eyes
of certain people
who live where i do

jania and i talked of the future
what we thought it would be
what it mght be
i want to move but don't
she wants more school, maybe
edmonton is so small and cliquey
toronto is closer to my other family
but on the other hand
it's closer to my other famiy
Calgary has been spoken of
they make tv there
and what of this nicaragua
how much time to give our new best friend?
how many documentaries can one realistically make
about your girlfriend's work?

in the end we decided
it will all happen however it does
no matter how much we worry

we all know what john lennon said

'oh god, this lunatic shot me'

you know he didn't see that coming

we must take things a moment at a time
set up the tripod
listen to the mic
ask your questons

and hope for usable footage

it´s almost done
over and done

global poverty is like the matrix
once you know about it
it´s hard to unknow
and i find myself wondering
if i would have been happier
taking the blue pill

it´s my gloomy nature
jania tells me
to focus on the AIDS in the children
instead of the children in the river
to dwell on the curse of knowing
instead of the joy of inclusion

we were so privledged to be trusted
in these lives while we were
while we are, and we are, forever
you can´t unsee things
you can only reorder them and forget
take the blue pill in peices
in beers, worries and busyness
of everyday life

the bastards count on it
they make life a little harder in increments
so that we never have the time
to change our clothes
let alone our world

Let alone our world!
i want to scream at them
but they won´t hear me
they can´t
over the cash registers

and the alien anthropoligists will know
we were the world
who died for an extra 3 percent

i know i´m supposed to write about nicaragua

we drove and drove
and got to a beach
and then drove to another one
so many pelicans so close
i could almost float up and touch
their incredibly long faces

why the long face?
my guess is
global warming

we drove out to playa coco
where the turtles nest
in the thousands
no turtles for five days
the army guys says
(they are guarded by army guys because the UN says too)
why the change
they don´t know
i imagine i do
global warming

i begin to obsess about climate change
the way we obsessed about nuclear war
when Reagan was the asshole
and GW was still on cocaine

the end of the world
has a way of sticking in the mind

all the best minds on earth agree
that it may already be too late
but all the papers say it´s a scare tactic
to protect the oil industry
the pentagon has a leaked report on global warming
the most pessimistic to date

those hippies

nuclear war could have happened
if somebody did something drastic
global warming happened
because no one will do something drastic
like make cars just a little more efficient
twenty years ago

remember the ozone layer
we spray hairspray with pumps now
it got a bit better
i guess the hairspray industry
has some beefing up to do in washington

this is what is running through my mind
these last days in Nicaragua
I bum everyone out
no one likes to hear
about the end of the world

but of course it isn´t
not the end of the world
just the end of the parasite it´s been infected with
boring into her skin and pulling out money
at a rate irresponsible to her breath

here´s the lies for global warming:

we don´t know enough about it

it´s not our fault anyway

there´s probably nothing we can do

it might be beneficial!

i want to tell your friends
that instead of hockey and ballet for their children
maybe weapons training
maybe a survival class
how to skin a rabbit your snared
on the frozen tundra of arizona
how to befriend the brutal warlord
who runs your security quadrant

it´s my last weekend in nicaragua this year
and with the future in such peril
i try to find the resources within
to enjoy beauty while it exists

and try not to reflect on the irony
that the world is ending
just when i figured out i want kids

blog about it!
you have to blog about it!
says Jania
so here it is

i ate this thing
it looks like a hockey puck
it was kind of spicy
with a hint of mint

i heard it was pork
but it looked like rice
then Angel said
yes
it´s rice
rice
in pigs blood

gross, right?
it´s like the british
with their sausage thing

now that i have been exposed to pigs blood
i will destroy you all
with my terrifing telekinetic powers

the last day

the last day of the clinic
produced quite a few tears
hector proved with his emotions
he is not a midget billionaire

andrea too was quite moist near her eyes
jania too
but not me

i am a man

one last superman for antonio
one last hug with a spin for the brothers
one last listen on the camera headphones
one last dose of whatever we have
to whatever they can keep

we ate at locoburger
it´s a nicaraguan chain
there will be a mini chapter in the doc
i asked the guy at the counter
are you better than McDonalds
Claro que si (of course we are)
we use real meat

then we went to Los Torroes
there´s a school there that we have a duffel bag full of stuff for
shoes, socks, toothbrushes
that kind of thing

i interview a girl there
she´s from ottawa
a ID student at the U of T
she´s teaching now
but she´s going to be a missionary
it´s not her idea, she says
but God had a plan for her
we do the interview
and i ask her to sign the release
she sees the working title and blanches

- accupuncture works in nicaragua?
that is what you´re doing here?

i explain it is a rural medicine
good for impoverished areas
due to it´s simple equipment needs

she tells me she does not beleive in accupuncture
i figure she is skeptical about its medical value
but no
she thinks its evil
she furthermore informs me
that people who have a relationship with jesus
(as i obviously don´t, she divines by my face, which is looking at her like she´s crazy, ithink she´s crazy)
people who have a relationship with Jesus
don´t beleive in it
it works with the spirit
it´s dangerous

is it witchcraft, i ask?
well, it is like witchcraft, she says

will you sign the form, i ask
no, she says
and you should tell people what you are doing up front
she´s accusing me
like i´m the asshole

i was furious

i behaved badly

angel went to look at our donations
i said loudly
well they´re kind of tainted now!
will anyone want a witchcraft toothbrush?

she´s the only one who understands english
so i guess it was for her

i was ashamed of myself later

for getting mad
and for not having my camera when she said accupuncture was like witchcraft
i love exposing christians with their crazy talk
it´s all invisible satan all over the place with these people
it´s hilarious

why is it that people who claim to have a personal relationship with kurt cobain are crazy
while people like this get to be president?

why does it make me so mad?

later we went to see the giant siholette of sandino
the first and greatest revolutionary of nicaragua
watches the City eternally

the dump is on fire
smoke plumes over the City
i shoot it from the lookout
200 families live there
off the garbage
of the slightly better off people

it´s the last day
we´re supposed to play now
beach tommorrow
all like that

we found the energy to work hard
do we have enough left
to relax

the beach is largely though of as a place for fun
our study supports that

one hundred and six people were brought in
two busses and our montero
a cafe rented out
it´s owned by a friend of the centre
a friend of Eduardo

the whole trip is the notion and gift of Eduardo
an Edmontonian we know
a teacher of disabled kids
who volunteered there for 18 years
several of the kids call him papa

why not?

some are afraid of the water
they want in, but with limits

they are very specific

they grip monkey style to our torsos
and scream at the currents
jania crawls with norman
back and forth with the waves
in about six inches of water

Hector is carried about
barking instructions
he looks like a midget billionaire

moisise has no fear
he is six
i throw him around
it´s fun

musicians come by
they play for us and the kids dance
some of them very well

lunch is brought in
in huge tubs
what a production this is
the workers are watching kids as a team
they practise zone defence
and man to man
they know just what they are doing

julio is there
we weren´t sure he would be
andrea thinks he´s playing me
he does ask for a lot of things
in my bad spanish i ask him
why do you want things all the time?
instead of just being my friend?
he looks at me and says
friends share.
its funny
and true

use me, jacob would say
when i worried he was giving too much
or else i go unused

in any case
i didn´t rent the quad for julio
i stand by the decision

our broken morale
lifts slightly
it´s home stretch
and we run just ahead of the ball

today is a heavy day
if today was a hat
i´d be shorter

we sleepwalk through the clinic
on dream feet that sink

our friend was robbed
beat up
threatened
thrown from the taxi
banditos organized
in gangs of two
my friend is a local

so this is no stupid whitey

it can happen to anyone

she thanks God
she was not killed
she thanks God for friends like us
she thanks God nothing is broken
that she landed on the earth
and not what we cover the earth with
she is only bruised

and traumatized

she stayed up late
looked at mugshots
they will get these guys
and just because her borther in law is a commissioner of the policia
and the jefe de policia´s neice
had the same thing happen to her

but it helps

we took up a collection
a robbery can be life changing
in a land of the poor
twenty bucks each makes up a month´s wages
i can understand robbery
but I don´t get this

she wanted to share with us
because we are friends
but now it is past
and she will come tonight to kareoke
to the beach tommorrow
and let´s not talk about it

and now lulu
(do you know lulu?)
a towering spirit
with a flickering light
if you know her say something
now is the time
go to her
www.lulularude.com

i stagger under my hat
maybe it will be lightened
by singing islands in the stream
with an old friend

back at the little blue bird
we go on like before
needles and wheedles
of smiles from the smiley
and the not so much

i take on julio as a project
a kid of normal intelligence
just hyperactive, tourettes
a kid that in Canada
might be in a special class
maybe some ritalin
basically living a normal life

(what is a normal life?)

so we play
i stole a giant exercise ball
and bounced it all around
(we visitors get away with murder)
then we played our truck game
setting up blocks
knocking them down
its loud and they look at us
but i am a guest
getting away with murder
he is my helper
mi ayundante

he carries my tripod
sits in on my shoots
it seems to make him happy
he gets the lions share of my attention
though we can´t speak to each other well
but his mood turns on a dime
after a day all day
he sulks away
i say goodbye and get nothing
´ís that what i get?´
i ask aloud
lindsey says yes
welcome to social worker love

maybe it´s because i´m leaving

andrea does a workshop with the staff
they seem disappointed
that chinese medical school
takes more than three hours
andrea struggles
with the concept of ¨real¨

i interviewed the doctor
there were conditions
no asking about sex
as in - do the kids have it
which they do
which means no asking about AIDS
and do the kids have it
which they might
tests cost money
and health care isn´t free
since 1990
when the US subverted democracy
with their war
HIV tests cost almost 17 dollars each
they can´t afford it
we are looking to raise money
to see that they can

I interview adriana
i have a new joke question to end with

do you think it´s fair
as an american citizen
that i ask you answer for your country?

pause

laugh

no

no its not




i know


but why not?

There is a place close to jania´s heart
though it is a three day drive from houston
it is the rural town of Jinocao
where she has been pilgrimaging
for ten years now

the highway after Leon gets much worse
and it wasn´t good to begin with
our speed is so reduced
that kids chase the cars
and keep up

cows walk in front of us once, twice
three times a lady
with kids, hands out
one spit at the car when we went by
without contributing

the town itself is much prettier then i imagined
the family, Jania´s family, her other family
(another family? there´s so many)
are so charming
we start with a cirlce of speeches
Angel translates
I say mine in my broken Spanish
like JFK
I am a Hamburger

we play games with the kids
i am whacky
and win many ten year old friends
we introduce what we think is duck duck goose
but later realize it´s duck duck rooster
due to the deficiencies of Jania´s goose impression
the principles are the same

we drive a rocky road
to treat an old lady
she cannot walk
there is one lightbulb in her house
the rooms are made up of back plastic
still they vote conservative

she cries when she speaks of her pain
Andrea can tell she has had a stroke
she has heart problems too
she should be on medication
seeing a doctor every two weeks
like our old people do
Andrea is maybe her third doctor ever

she says that God has blessed her
sent us to her
its tearful and touching
we all feel great
then we leave
and feel guilty
Andrea wonders
is this good feeling
simply something i paid for
am i doing this
instead of Paris
or mountainclimbing
are we just help-tourists?

maybe

the old lady has some relief
lasting three days to three months
depending on her faith levels
which seem high
in the morning her daughter stands up at church
says her mother felt better
didn´t want to bathe
in case she washed the goodness off

when we got back the tire was flat
we drove over some barbed wire
which is everywhere

in the morning
we went to the river
we hear there might be parasites
that swim up your urethra
sounds like a weird thing to risk
but we did

it was so fun

driving back from fixing the tire
which took Angel five hours
we ran over a nail
and got another flat
in a different tire
we are one of three cars in this community
so they don´t keep much track

we stopped in leon
to pick up the painting
lindsey bought another one
he was in better spirits
our painting is now in our hotel room
i´d like to hang it
but jania worried about the terrible walls and their awful paint
oh well
it sits up pretty
i love it

today i took the morning off from the clinic
the videographer is not essential staff
i have work at home that needs my typing
arlen is going to LA now
(who isn´t? i´m not.)
3...2...1 and faithless
i almost forgot how i make up stuff for a living
for a life

i almost thought i just swam in rivers

the drop in the bucket

parahito azul
means the little blue bird
and its true
each of these kids lacks
any nest but this
and not all of them received
their deserved wingspan

blogging is harder
when you work for a living
when the clinic is 8 hours a day
plus meetings
and you shoot it all
and how to describe all the sadness and hope
even with the vaguery
of my poetic licence

all we can do is try

cerebral palsy
is a motor control issue
mohhamed ali
is still muhhamed ali in there
he just can´t punch you
there are secret energy points within
to stimulate the brain
to help regain control of arms and legs
epilepsy has points too
at the back of the head
near the nape of the neck
it is hard to treat epilepsy
when there is autism too
they don´t understand
and rip the medicine from their heads

helen is our door keeper
she opens it and closes it
she does wonderful needlework
on pillowcases and sheets
she makes some personal money at this
and is throwing a birthday party next friday
we´re all invited
her birthday is in march
the centre throws one birthday party each month
for all the kids celebrating within that thirty days
this year helen gets two

hector is 13, but is the size of a one year old
his bones are so fragile
that he forgets how much
he breaks his legs playing
his arms
shaking someone´s hand
his mind is sharp
his tongue fast and funny
he goes back to the dorms shouting
ít´s okay! ´
it is good medicine!
it doesn´t hurt so much!
he calms the kids with his confidence
i interview him at 3
he doesn´t know it
but he is the new star of my movie

antonio loves superheroes
i draw wolverine for him
i draw the hulk
his art teacher says
draw more slowly
so he can learn how you do it
i draw more slowly
he watches so closely
during his treatment
he talks of superman
batman and the flach
flach? they ask
is he a wrestler?
i try not to talk from behind the camera
but this is too much
the flash i say
he means the flash
my bad spanish
un hombre muy rapido?
si, he says, smiling si
the FLACH!
a few seconds later
he falls asleep during his treatment
in mid sentence
it is a good sign
that the medicine is working

carla morena
has a boyfriend
they are getting married today
but the minister didn´t show up
then she tires of that
and is going on a trip
she is losing weight too fast
they don´t know why
in the last six months three girls have died this way
losing weight quickly
and slipping away
not carla
not her

please

she is in love

andrea says
she can fix this and that
but she can´t cure cp
she can´t make parents appear
i tell her
what jania told me

to do this work
you must beleive in the drop in the bucket
that the drop in the bucket is worth dropping
thought the bucket is not filled by it

we must beleive in the drop in the bucket

and then demand of our powerful ones
to make it rain

the markets of Managua

there are bootlegged movies cartoon to porn, rum, cigars, art, hammocks, wood working, T shirts, uniforms, haircuts, the jaw bone of a cow, fresh fish, coffee, corn, rice in huge bags weighed out, coke comes in a plastic bag tied in a knot with the straw sticking out, meat sitting there on blocks of ice, concrete gutters down the centre of the floor where a trickle of whatever flowing into it, kids grab your arms as you walk by, people ask you what you want because you´re white and can afford anything they have whenever you want they think and they´re right, girls grab my arm, boys grab jania´s, young men look at Jania hungrily and i look at them warningly and nobody says anything, we want rum, i want movies sometimes they´re in spanish and i don´t know until its too late, i found whitecoats which ron and mark are in and i bought it for them and i just ruined the surprise but they never read this anyway,and cigars and every kind of cigar is there, except fonsecas, sorry joey, is there another kind you want? rocky I II III IV V VI, more IV´s than in the hospital where I do not want to go, bed sheets, sculptures of fat women squatting and thin women with no heads who hug their own legs and leather wallets and pouches, baseball hats from american sports and never anything with anything nica on it never, painting and my favorites are by a guy named niger and its pronounced nigger and me and jania did not want to say his name out loud ever even though we are fans, you want it they got it and it´s cheaper than cheap but adds up on a playwrights salary and we simply must stop, must stop, can´t stop, must stop.

also, it´s the bus stop.

the stories we heard

the stories we heard
sad has too few letters
tragic is used up on kids in wells
jania cried in the interview
and a lot more later
war is hell
but the demons are people
what happens to the people
to make them demons in the hell of war?

deep breath

back in managua
the dirty-gorgeous capital city
that would rather blow a whistle than sleep
tommorrow night the other people come
lindsey and andrea and lynda
to start the clinic
a ball room is coming from Mexico
Andrea´s dad is sending it
also 100 toothbrushes
socks and underwear
casual wealth shrugging its shoulders
giving away what falls off

jania felt sick last night
but i didn´t
something that she ate
which i didn´t
it´s hard to beleive that we will be here
another whole month
that this thing is just starting
all that preceded was just preamble
like when there´s a lot of trailers
before the movie
and you´re tired when the titles roll

we all have to shake our heads sometimes
stiffen our sinews and smile at the new day
more is called for
and more is on the way

Which one is smaller

The bus to Esteli was a school bus
but i didn´t learn a thing
there were two guys behind us
they were like the puppets who sat in the balcony
disliking everything
it´s true what they say

what you don´t know can´t hurt you
sometimes

we finished with spanish class
and then we interviewed the teachers for the doc
jania´s teacher was a girl during the revolution
all the other kids got to join the army
she was mad that she didn´t

in nicaragua the electricity is privatized
like it is in Alberta
the City can´t afford to light up the public square
it´s mostly dark
a social resource missing
in a town where bars are for the rich

they all agree that a fetus is a living being
they all agree the new abortion law punishes only the poor
i am glad not to have grown up in stife
but what thoughtful people a generation of strife creates

at the revolution musem
the curator lives in a room in the back
we showed up to shoot
and he was in the shower
he showed us a jail
where the government took prisoners
hung them upside down in water
electrified the water
pulled out their teeth
150 prisoners
in a space smaller
than the Varscona Men´s Dressing room

he took us to the roof
to show us where the army shot at unarmed students
the square is beautiful
with volancoes behind
Mobotumbo and Mombotombito

to show which one is smaller

then we went to Esteli
i ventured from the bus
into the crazy bus station market
i spoke Spanish
felt indpendent
bought three cheese biscuits
and a fried banana with cheese
it doesn´t sound like it would be good
but it so was

yesterday we interviewed
the leading primitivist painter
in Nicaragua
they had a rough Christmas this year
the kids were crying
while we were talking his wife went to buy us drinks
so poor
and yet so kind
during the interview i had mic problems
i had forgotten batteries
i almost cried
we have his words at least
his art
i hope i can salvage something
pay tribute to this amazing talent

the painter in his doorway

In Esteli we saw the Museo de Madres
set up by the Mothers of the men who died in the revolution
there are pctures of every single one
except when there are no pictures
then its a piece of clothing
the name pinned on top
pictures of yourself are a privledge

that´s why models are so rich

we shoot there at ten tommorrow
the director of the Museum said my work was important
that scared me

a lot

at dinner we met two airplane mechanics who are driving
from San Salvador to Panama City
on motorcycles
i talked politics with them
trying not to offend
i didn´t offend

who to offend and who not to
is an artistic choice
that i have always made bravely
why then

do i always avoid it face to face?

Sweat

spanish is hard
to misquote steve martin
ít´s like these spanish people have a different word for everything
but more
different grammar too
different rules
por and para
they both kind of mean for
but they mean a lot more than that
i always kind of doubted i could learn spanish in three two hour sessions
but now i am sure

today i am shooting at galleries
there´s a painter i am hoping to interview
he was in the group that painted the murals of the revolution
huge things on walls, blantantly political
you´ll see
if i ever show my doc to anyone
in Nicaragua people paint their politics on the walls
there are no mexican wrestler faces
no one writes listen
they write who they want to be president
and BUSH GENOCIDA
which speaks for itself
we write that too
but this big
not this EVERYWHERE

Nicaragua sweats politics
and it´s always hot

Leon has more than Furniture

in leon it is hot
not so in our hotel room
we splurged
and have air conditioning
it is so nice there
that we can shower without sandals

leon has a massive cathedral
i shot there today
then i sat and meditated
to make up for my disrespect
in latin american they do not fear a black jesus
or a white one
they are in the same place
like the united colors of benneton
they say a bishop switched the plans for leon´s cathedral
for a bigger one destined for Lima Peru
that´s a nice trick
that you couldn´t get away with any more
there´s an energy in there
places soak it up
if i were more religious
i´d call it God
but theatres have it too
and we´re such sinners
so i´ll call it energy
and continue enjoying premarital sex

this afternoon i start spanish tutoring
it will be the most expensive thing i´ve done here so far
unless you count buying the camera
i don´t
yo quiero mas de espanol
i´ll pay these guys
to pùt it in my head
me and Jania have different tutors
because she is so much better at habla-ing than me
she is also cuter
this is not disputed

our friend Angel had his cell phone stolen
he already lent his back up one to us
poor fellow
Jania wants a latin america cell phone
i already have a europe one
just sitting there
with an empty electronic stomache
waiting to be fed
if it were alive I´d feel bad
i don´t feel bad for machines yet
except for certain cars

like herbie
and kitt
and the ferrari in ferris bueller´s day off
poor cars
they only tried to do good
in a terrible world

iran´s president came to nicaragua
and signed a deal with them
i can´t say his name
or type it
america is freaking out
poor babies
maybe someone will trade with someone besides you
and your sanctions won´t cripple economies anymore
poor fat babies
fuck you

Jania reminds me not to see things in black and white
but it is hard for me
because my father was a dog

when he was younger

i try to make her
but try as I might
she just won´t hate people with me
on account of being a better person than me

we are in love
this is not disputed

in the middle of the night
something large hit our floor
i thought it was a big cockaroach
but it was a bat

i thought i could handle it with towels
but Jania was worried about rabies
they carry rabies
like we carry loose change

so we got hotel worker with a broom
i hoped for a catch and release mission
but it was a death squad
when she put her foot on his little head
i ran out of the room
i am squeamish

in the morning
i wished i has filmed it
it was the middle of the night
but i should have thought of it

i must be better
i miss too much
i see weird things
that you never will

there is a more narrative version
of these adventures
jania is a punchy little prose writer
and can type a hundred words a minute

if you want to see it, you should click this

fifty thousand people
is so many
that you have to type out the words of the numbers

i interviewed windows of the revolution
a captain of the guard
he explained his medals to me
an ice cream vendor who said
he is worried about the United States
others who are not
I am worried about the United States
Aren't you?

Venesuela is the largest producer of oil in Latin America
Chavez was there
they signed a deal
to build 200 000 houses
and 30 power plants
see what you can do with oil money
and desire to do something
besides fuck over everybody in the whole world

and now we are on a beach
las pinetas
the little rocks, it means
the waves are big
the birds are big
the portions are big
i can't eat this
i'm full

nicaraguans officially make the third best coffee in the world
a contest said so
i'd rank it higher
most people can't afford to drink it
their own coffee
this hotel serves it though
i feel guilty
but it's so fucking good

we might stay longer than we planned
the clinic starts in ten days
there a fundraiser in edmonton
you should go

Bill, i think of you often
i wish i had your skill
shooting well is hard
i am also the sound man
my arms are tired
from holding things out
what are holding out, right now?
put it down
i'm talking to you

my spanish seems woefully inadequate
the people here talk so much faster than jania did when she was teaching me
going easy on me
she always does
she is talking to the little boy who broke his arm surfing
two weeks and he can surf again
there are puppies
when Nicaragua relaxes it can be so cute
when it's angry, its so scary

like lions

like everything

Here i am in Nicaragua
It is a loud country
and hot
but like Bill says
think how the polar bears feel

tommorrow is the inauguration
of president daniel ortega
i will go
with 50 thousand others
angel is surrounding me with friends
so my camera won´t be stolen

today we taped at the centre
a long hug
from a challenged resident

it was nice

i went to the giant sandino siholette
it stands above managua
to show the spirit of the revolution is immortal
he stands there
he stands everywhere in Nicaragua
there is a cable you can ride
down across the water
like in a fake boot camp
i did
taping and screaming
getting a low budget arial shot

i saw a pretty lady with a camera in the mall
i interviewed her
she is an anchor with telemundo
i just sandbagged
the wolf blitzer of costa rica

she says the people of nicaragua
expect change

don´t we all

tommorrow i tape at the ministry of health
the access i am getting
is blowing my mind
all because of Angel
nuesotro amigo Angel

Me and Angel are on a double date
with Jania and Jesse
Jesse is one of three ´
of Angels media-novias
that mean half girlfriend

i am having a great time
a great time

holy shit
we are going to nicaragua in the morning
holy shit

I am not as smart as Kevin

but we knew this

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 6/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

scared

it might offend some
but the fact is
every independant film
i was ever involved in
was kind of bad

even when i was in charge
hell
especially when i was in charge

so how do i know
that my documentary
won't be too?

truth be told
it makes me feel

scared

new years eve
with Jania's family
boy they drink a lot
damn, those kids are loud
like birth control
for the spirit
happy new year
kiss
hug
happy new year
auld lange's ein

or something

today i am in the condo in calgary
shooting the things we are packing
for jump cutting later
my doc will be fun to watch
or so annoying
we will see
in the future

the condo is nice
the house in canmore
even nicer
its true what they say
there's money in oil
a younger me would have resented it
so in love was I
with my blue collar roots
now i just like it
is it because my Dad got richer
and so did I?
dark wood
good wine
spacious rooms
views
i like it

does that make me a traitor?

balance
is the key
to all things
especially a trapeze
which should be locked
it's so easy to steal
then where would the circus be?
in your heart?
i doubt it

packing for Calgary a bit
but Nicaragua mostly
did a stop motion of my pile of tapes
reaching up in a dated way
it's a big pile

bringing the old laptop
in case it gets stolen
then I can still write
and we can watch dvds

bringing a binder
for my notes
pre-logging my tapes
already shot a spanish lesson
or two

took back my camera to get a better one
price tag went from 799 to 949 to 1100
and i didn't rent a lav yet
they say this is how it's done
shoot some decent footage
and get money for post
they say
they say a lot of things
i ask a lot of questions
and get a lot of advice
i thank my advisors
i'd like to thank the academy
but I know i never will

there's some xmas footage
in and amongst
did i say this already
what did i already say
what i will i say in this doc
that hasn't been said already?

it's hard to be poor
they don't deserve the hard times they've had
america was unjust with them
it's all well known
to those who care to know it

and those who don't
will call me a liar
they can
if they want
just let me take my 78 tapes
through customs
i just like videotaping, sir
i don't need a permit
I'm just a tourist

taking a break from my comfortable life
to videotape some harder ones
to talk to people who have done more than me
in a language i don't know

I don't know
what I am doing

but it's never stopped me before

what you think of me

though this might not be accurate
because
there's no negative words
except for tense and proud
which were both used
maybe people who hate me
are reading my blog less
silly people
they don't know how nice i can be

or they do
and i stopped
either way
who cares
for christmas
i gave myself that
to not care

and an awesome video camera

anyway here it is
and merry xmas

(x can legitately mean christ, but when three christs get together, things are going to get dirty)

but here it is

Arena (known to self and others) bold, proud, self-conscious	Blind Spot (known only to others) accepting, brave, cheerful, clever, complex, confident, energetic, idealistic, independent, ingenious, intelligent, knowledgeable, loving, nervous, observant, responsive, searching, sentimental, silly, spontaneous, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) able, adaptable, extroverted	Unknown (known to nobody) calm, caring, dependable, dignified, friendly, giving, happy, helpful, introverted, kind, logical, mature, modest, organised, patient, powerful, quiet, reflective, relaxed, religious, self-assertive, sensible, shy, sympathetic

Dominant Traits

70% of people think that chris_crad_nok is clever

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (10%) adaptable (0%) bold (30%) brave (10%) calm (0%) caring (0%) cheerful (10%) clever (70%) complex (20%) confident (30%) dependable (0%) dignified (0%) energetic (20%) extroverted (0%) friendly (0%) giving (0%) happy (0%) helpful (0%) idealistic (10%) independent (40%) ingenious (10%) intelligent (40%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (30%) logical (0%) loving (20%) mature (0%) modest (0%) nervous (10%) observant (30%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (20%) quiet (0%) reflective (0%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (10%) searching (10%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (10%) sensible (0%) sentimental (10%) shy (0%) silly (20%) spontaneous (10%) sympathetic (0%) tense (10%) trustworthy (10%) warm (20%) wise (10%) witty (50%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 24.12.2006, using data from 10 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view chris_crad_nok's full data.

i hope

the night before
the night before christmas
the presents are crouched with their paper
waiting to emerge and be themselves
the devices and items they were made to be
bringing pleasure or not

but we tried hard

the pressure of a present dissapates
so soon after it's open
he liked it
she didn't
it just doesn't matter like it did
when it was a secret

soon we will be in nicaragua
warm and relaxed
two weeks vacation
before the work starts

we will sit on beaches
centenario on ice
una cervesa por favor
me llamo Chris
yo trabajo en el theatro
voy aser una pelicula
con los doctores de accupuncture
y mi novia Jania
la bonita Jania

yo estudio espanol
hablo bueno
I am told
but i'll need more than this

i've never made a documentary
for real
But I helped make a tv show
about rig workers
a doc series
well, a reality show
i'll shoot as best I can
and apply for post when i get back
This is how it's done
I am told

first christmas
then new years
some time in calgary
some high performance rodeo
and then we fly south
george bush airport in houston
managua nicaragua
es calor
es bonita
un viaje bueno
una pelicula de nicaragua

pelicula means movie
i'll make a movie that means a little something
for the very first time

i hope

click

they say self analysis
staves off paralysis
calamnity
inside of me
keeping my equamnity
parameters, examiners!
i'm trying to keep my sanity
explain to me
the me you see
my cool and mediocrity
the resulting view in me
could bring a brand new me to thee

click this:


right now!

this morning
i am the laziest lazy person
watching seinfeld season one
online
which is the new TV
wearing a robe
which is the old blue jeans

check out old movies
or india
people used to wear their robes everywhere
lucky

in season one jerry has the same mom
but a different dad
i wonder what happened
maybe he died
or was an asshole

i should learn spanish
or finish shopping
or schedule chimprov
or put together an application
to apply myself
here and there

george just delcared himself an architect
for the first time
he's gonna make that joke
for years

think of that joke you've been making for years

for me
it's when there's juice
and i put on a german accent
and say
we must eliminate the juice!

ha ha

i still got it

me and jules had a pretty good show last night
arlen and amy and mike and marc
had a better one
the first half had an off show
this is not new information

jerry's old dad
isn't very good
sometimes that's enough
to get you fired

thank god

jerry and elaine
are agreeing they can talk about other romantic partners
for the first time
for years
they will speak of little else
he then covers the concepts in his standup

this internet video
was originally recorded on vhs
i can see it on it
intermingling technologies
like a kid on his grandfather's lap

the poetry of spam

This was sent to me today:

homonym

Seriously, i dare you to disagree.

Like that high definition, free, streaming goodness coming right through your browser?

This is one of those moments.

This is one of those moments.

Every year we manage to find as many christmas galleries as we can and this year will be no exception.

Simply put, the purpose of liability insurance is to pay the insured's court costs and damages arising from a lawsuit against the insured.


Shop around: if you can find a personal health plan that offers benefits similar to her school's for less than twice the price they're asking, I'll be astonished.

It's rare that I get a question like this from a person who is, I'm guessing, prepared to understand the quantitative issues involved.

They'll just send you packing.

After seeing all of Daffy's accidents, Porky decides to buy the policy after all.



It is a bit like a poem that i wrote.

cab had a cold
during the show today
she had to leave the stage
to blow her nose

i am not even kidding

i will be better by tonight
she said
she sometimes gets head colds
that last for 8 hours

no one is well everyday
though ome people are sicker than others
are you sick right now?

of what?

of who?

Jack Black

Oh Jack Black!
Sexy funny fat man!

If you meet Jack Black,
Don't offer him cocaine.
Being a fat american comedian,
he really can't resist the stuff.
he'll die.

and it will be all your fault.

this poem is punctuated,
not just with symbols,
which tell you how to read it,
but with sounds,
that I am making,
with my hand and this filing cabinet.

"BANG," said my hand, "BANG!"
It was making a period.

last night
i beat jania
at scrabble
by tons

sometimes
when i want to focus
i move to a proper table
instead of sitting on the couch
it makes me feel
professional

sometimes
when i want to reveal
i open up a blog window
it makes me feel
confessional

sometimes
i put green leaves into a pipe
and smoke it
it makes me feel
expansive

sometimes
i charge as much as i can
for services i provide
it makes me feel
expensive

sometimes
i write terrible poetry
that i like anyway
it makes me feel
creative

because

this didn't exist
a minute ago
but now it does

which is fun

but on the other hand

what does it mean?

not much

it's such a minor work

so i guess its only right

that it only matters a tiny bit

if

at all

the view from my desk
is so much more expansive
than I am
which i why i am now on page 33
and likely to stay there
for hours

home

early in the morning
eating my cheesy toast
in my very own robe
in my home

my home
is spacious nd well appointed
inside

outside
is cramped and nervous
who's mad now?
do i have to go there?
do that?
i'd rather not
but i do

being in theatre
is like staying in highschool
everything's fine
as long as you're cool

i was a popular kid
for years
now i hang out by the automotive shop
smoking weed
picking fights
wearing black leather
mourning
sure
i am still cool
in my way
i don't really miss the football team
as people
i just dread my necessary trips
to their locker room

being in theatre
is like staying in high school
but being over thirty
means you can forget about it

because

really

who cares?

life is too large, short and crazy
and i am too

in conclusion

the votes are in
morton didn't win
honest ed came up from the farm

his arts policy
is a bit limp you see
matching funds, tax exemptions, i yawn

dion won his day
and he'll have his say
the next election is his to fight

my dad thinks he will lose
and canada will choose
to remain this far to the right

my dad may be correct
though it makes me reflect
on a canada distinct from the states

we still have health care
and better welfare
though the church is too close to the state

as the republicans mumble
and bush slowly stumbles
lying his way to the door

we're righter than ever
why is there no lever
to catch Harper deep in a boy-whore?

conservatives

morton certainly hears a who
scary voices of gays and women
it's strange day for a lefty like me
to be praying that dinning is winning

liberals!

stephane dion?
who who of thunk
will he tip the ball
on iggy's slam dunk?

by the way

seems i was wrong

morton is winning
says smarter people than me
so if you are voting

better vote for dinning

my liberal pals will be mad
but i disagree that liberals have a chance
even if the pc leader was

a hitler-bot that ran on baby corpses with a grandmother fisting habit that spewed a gas that gives you herpes-cancer

which ted morton almost is

so if you are voting in this thing
i say vote for dinning
i would
but i am in winnipeg

full

my belly is full
of the birthday brunch
cab made for beth
in appreciation of her existence
we are glad she was born
and didn't die yet

there were eggs and coffee
and pillsbury croissants
orange juice and advil
for our hangovers

last night we drank with miriam
and jackie and neil and claude and even lee-anne
and me
i was there too
that's how i can write this

at brunch we talked about doctors
bad bedside manners
good care for lawyers
the little lies people tell

(i told the cancer-walk t-shirt story
sorry, baby)

we talked about therapy
and winnipeg
and the food
and does betty have to pay the dogsitter
if she loses the dog?
no, we agreed, no.

now it is 1 pm
and i am going back to sleep
tonight the show
meet with the publisher lady
charm a stranger
maybe

two more sleeps before home
a brief detox
a back to work/hibernation
situation
before the xmas gorge

presents to buy

but

the present is a gift
we open moment by moment
so they say
those new wave buddhists

and yet

sometimes i want to return it
but it's already gone
it's rarely my size
though i like the color
the style could be better
but i would think that
even if it was

my fancy hotel apartment place
has that dingy boy thing
that boys can create
anywhere
without daily maids
even with
if they take pains
to be
extra careless

cab's place was vibrant with brunch
her iPod with speakers
her bright blue yoga mat
her tidiness
her blinds are open
the sun is her friend

i am a chubby vampire
so i hide from the sun

i am in winnipeg
so i don't have to decide
if i should buy a pc membership
to vote for jim dinning

doubling the afa budget
within two years
that sure sounds sweet

ted morton is a fag hating fuckstick

so i am not rooting for him

but since i am in winnipeg
i'll just watch
i have a lot of clothes here
so if it doesn't go my way
maybe i'll just stay here
they are NDP in manitoba
they have elections
where different people get elected
what is that called?

democracy

this right now is the closest
alberta has come to an election
in a long while

i am hoping for dinning
i am hoping for a laugheed style
i am hoping to apply for more than one grant
per fiscal annum

ted morton might help
get the liberals elected sooner
but he won't help anything else

and did i mention the fag hating?

dinning is winning
but not by much

if you are not in winnipeg
maybe get a pc card
after the election
we can burn them ceremoniously
the smoke will get ted morton high
and he will have his first gay experience
touching and sad
and sexually intense
he will come out to his congregation
come on to his organist

and the world will be a better place

a little

today was a day to get things done
to answer emails
and talk alot on the phone
about different projects
i won't list them
in case i get accused of bragging
or something

maybe some ex sort of almost
never really was
girlfriend of mine
will write a mean letter
and it will take me a week
to figure out who it was

but things need tending
the garden has to grow
well it doesn't have to
in fact
the odds are against it
that's why i need
so much fertilizer

but i have never claimed
that my fertilizer doesn't stink

does yours?

sometimes they want to publish a play based on a book published by a company that sold the rights to a larger company and you have to ask them

things can get complicated
did that sound like bragging
i didn't mean to
now i feel a bit anxious

maybe i should counterpoint
by talking about the chunky soup
i just ate
chicken ala king
with rivita crackers
delicious!
all in my apartment bed
where i spend most days
typing
and phone calling
and waiting
for the show at night
the drinks after
for the snow to stop falling
for my girl to get her flowers

oh she just did!
she texted me happy
now i am happy too
that's how it works

when you party a lot
you start to get used to it
do the hangovers lessen
or just become familiar?

early in the morning
but not that early
early for me is still early
for me

laptop warming my thighs
the office season three
american version
i like that show
it's really funny
even though its the american version
which is supposed to be worse
there are examples

my day off yesterday
i saw two movies
they were okay
it is easy to run out of decent movies
at my rate of consumption
which is high
but leaves little waste
except diet coke burps
and popcorn poo

cab and beth read me some
of my new play
it's coming along
it takes so many ideas
to write a decent thing
luckily they beget each other
like bible characters

one more week in winnipeg
then it's home
for christmas

phonecall

my girlfriend has a crush on me
because I am not there
(that's not why)
my plants are dying
but it is not her fault
she is trying
they just miss me
she does too

it's lovely to be around babies
she says
she see her friends with their children
they are so happy, amazing, spiritual
to share that

but the stronger feelings are
holy fuck
they are so loud
they move so much
and they want so much
and they need so much
a mixture of strong attraction
and strong repulsion
she says

are you laughing at me
she says
because i was
i hear you typing
should i let you go?

i am typing what you're saying
i say
and then
she says
then i won't say anything at all

someone practises trumpet
above me
i hear voice exercises
in the morning
this is an artsy little hotel

by the mall
near the best buy

today i don't know what to do
about
anything

my teeth are larger than my mouth
so i am always biting off
more
than
i
can
choose

between

be brave
make choices
what is better than nothing?
anything.
sometimes

there are things
that are hard and fast
rules
are not one of them
in this case
in which case
who's case
is this?

it's full of papers
i don't recognize
a swath of math
a hood of blood

somethings don't rhyme
even if they look like they should

split level pads
with so many roomates
that we're always out of milk
i ask questions
i seek input
i get lots
but from the outside

I'm working blind

and

the people who will complain
will not lend me two cents

from each according to their ability
to each according to their needs
sometimes need outstrips ability
and i am not a communist
or am i?

i still don't speak spanish
our subject matter grew
i am not smart enough
for my life

are you?

jump in swim
jump in drown
in the end
no
one
cares
which
i
do
but
me
you can drown in a bathtub
but you never do

that's true of everybody
think about it

a penny saved
is a penny earned
if you get that kind of interest
i am switching to your bank

my interest is waning
my wayne is interesting
no is called wayne anymore
or glenn
or morley

or edith

we're all achingly unique snowflakes
so we use more beautiful words

someday my son
Venison
and my daughter
Suduko
will tell me to
fuck off
and take the car
without permission

and then i'll know
that i should have just had
dogs
or a career
or a drinking problem
maybe
if i try hard
i could have all three

all i really need
is the dog

the day after
the party the night before
one might feel fatigued
during their two show day
one might lack patience
for the teenagers
who snigger and text

but me
i'm not even hung over

today i miss my girlfriend
so much
it is like a pain in my torso
in between the lungs
below my heart

Robert Altman

Hail to Robert Altman
He made good movies
He made bad movies
He made his movies
His way

He made Short Cuts
He made Popeye
He made the Player
He made Pret a Porter
He made good and bad movies
But they were all his

Be like Robert Altman
Make good things
Make bad things
Make your things

Live like you
until you're very old
And then die

trying to get on the internet can take hours
if there are issues
and there are

i am on the cable kind
but not the wireless now
my dragon is leashed
and now i am not absorbing media
at the rate to which i have become accustomed

so many reboots
so many trials
and errors

why don't i just call the shaw people
in the first place?
huh? why?

opening night

Mistakes were made
By me mostly
And others
It was not the best show ever
But god bless them
They bought it

Fictional characters drank with
Their actual progenitors
Lish by Lish
She even wore the hat

Steve and Lee showed up
With Marcie and um, Steve’s girlfriend
Very nice people
Herbie was there
I met lesli and james
He does great impressions of people we know
Authentic David Craig
Uncanny Ron Jenkins

We stayed up late at the basement party
Why not?

iPod versus iPod
So many halleluhjahs
That song
Gives me memories of the pain I used to feel
When I heard
That song

They left us there
I guess they trust us
I wouldn’t leave a visiting company
To end a party at my theatre
We were good citizens
We cleaned up after ourselves
Clean dishes
Piled up

The cab driver
Got lost
It made him angry
Brad reasoned with him
It was awkward
To take
The long way home

No one knows where queen street is
Not even me

Enter, smoke, turn on tv
Colbert is on again at four
Just in time to watch it
Before sleep kicks in my door

So I rhyme sometimes
So what

the long distance is free
the wireless internet password
still a mystery to us
and gloria
who runs the hotel

but i set up a computer to computer network
with somebody called airnet
sorry airnet
i am stealing from you
this bandwith was yours
but now it's mine

tonight we open the play
excitement is something i will have soon
i just had a little
just then

i will see my friends
steve and lee and miriam
maybe herbie
we will hug each other

the fake party is a cover
the real party is downstairs
you can come
if we like you

there is a giant moose head
and couches in a square
places to sit and stand
big enough to fit
small enough to make us cozy

we ate at perkins
gossiped about theatre
we always do
it's where we work

shopped at safeway
bought enough food to make
a poor immigrant cry
such plenty
and me without a horn

if i had one of my own
i wouldn't blow it myself
it's rude

maybe tonight i will poet again
but drunkenly
and shrunkenly
with all i have spent of myself
you'll get the last dribble
maybe

whoever said getting there was half the fun
was not on my flights
he did not take my cabs through rush hour post blizzard roads
he did not repack the prop box on the scale
is it light enough now?
how about now?

being here is most of the fun

because the hotel is wicked
a little farther
but fuck it
i can call cabs
with the best of them

the apartment is well appointed
the tv big screen
a dishwasher
the mall is close
big box stores everywhere
chain restaurants
but lots of them

we ate at joey's
i had the ahi tuna club
the only club to have someone like me as a member
it was delicious

tommorrow we tech
we preview after that
we line ran tonight
i am not out of breath

the opening, the theatre is not throwing us a party
they have the money
but it no one's job
miriam is a governor general's award winning novelist
this is the first play made from one of her books
set here, in her hometown
is that not worth 20 beers and a mixtape?

this is why no one in canada is a star
because we don't know one when we see one

miriam is a star and we know it
so we will throw the party ourselves
the techs whisper of a secret room
in the basement
where we can drink and talk and be
together
I have only been here for the fringe
they don't tell the fringe about the room
new countries
in a world i thought i knew

I am home
for 36 hours
wearing my own robe
kissing my own girlfriend
we watched our own tv last night
and had our own sexual experience
you can't have it
it's ours

i had dinner with my own family last night
almost all of the western leg
which is, let's face it
the main family
these days

dad made one of his speeches
about how proud he is of us
i like his speeches a lot
he always tells us how he feels now
now that we know about dying
nothing goes unsaid now
we're that kind of family

we ate ham
and a fruity dessert pizza
it was awesome
and relatively low fat
for my relatives
who are relatively high fat
it runs in our family

someday i will quit the gym and my diets
go somewhere really high
and
let
myself
go

it's tradition

today i am home
for 36 hours
me and jania will have a nice day
you can't have it
it's ours

if i wrote a poem in code
it might look like this:

then again it might not


it would be an easy code
because i have nothing to hide

the wizard of oz was on
it was a flop when it came out
and was only appreciated after it's death
like me

google is reading my poems
trying to decide what to sell you
based on my blank verse

it's funny

there is a strange isolated happiness
when you are wearing headphones
and everyone else is sleeping
they think it's quiet
but i know the truth
is much louder

there is a strange weary grasping
when you are checking your email this much
is writing so bad
that you bore yourself silly avoiding it?

procrastination is not a pro but a con
of oneself out of time
which i am not, not yet
but will be eventually, and time
is money, which i was paid to write
as a writer, a professional writer
partially

the money is gone, or this the same money
i can't remember which dollars i saved
and which i spent
on the things i spend on

generous, rich feeling phases
followed by miserly fear
expanding and contracting
like the universe

poor vernon little
books where everything goes so wrong for the innocent hero
make me anxious
poor ficticious character
poor everyone

i wish i could write novels
but i don't even want to write a play
i just want it written
and in rehearsals
and very good

yet somehow
i find the time for these poems
maybe because the internet is involved
it seems like play
instead of a play
which is work
understand?

sure.

jacob used to say to us
we don't work
none of us work
and he's right
but he used to feel righter
understand?

sure.

things mean things
art does and all that
and taking care of each other
and love
these all mean things
we're not just trapped animals
with freakish brains
spinning on a ball of mud
killing each other for no reason at all
things mean things

right?

i am on a bed
in kelowna
with my ipod on
my laptop on
connected!
all the infotainment-pornmation-socialintercon
warming my thighs
what does it mean?

it's time to be useful
be useful to something or someone
even if its yourself
something that means something
to you
or someone who means something
to you

something bigger than you
like a sasquatch or a universe

or an idea
of a hope

when you are wearing headphones and everyone is asleep
it's easy to feel like
you are
floating
alone

they think it's quiet
but you know the truth
is much louder

the school matinee
went fine
kids like it when you swear
and we do
a lot
in this play
in all my plays
i don't even notice
my own foul mouth

opening night
went real good
blah blah blah

teched all day
held the show for fifteen minutes
so we could tech some more
seat of our teeth
skin of our pants

sometimes
people program lighting boards
and then save the work wrong
cost = five hours
that scott will never get back

then we did the show
went real good
blah blah blah

yay democrats
hola ortega
latin is left
stephen colbert remains funny
harper offered to blow me
a long time ago
in a library

tell people

this morning ducks were at my window
they wanted popcorn
they got some
well, pop corn twists
by old dutch
that counts


i hope

intelligent lights
can be tricky
when not your own
they might be wired wrong

we did a line run
then had a three hour break

we walked the streets of kelowna
shopped at the wonderful consignment place
with its reds and stars
saw the chachkas
"welcome to my garden"
carved in stone
at least something is

but then, the art

there's these galleries and they are just chock full of awesome art
these people are rich and have gathered beautiful things to themselves
wouldn't you?

there is PST there

the gallery owners speak of many buyers from Alberta
spending dripping bags of black gold

but the art
twisted metal terminator two sculpture for geeks like me
shopping cart studies from vancouver
fat businessmen in bronze, in crowds, with tiny little heads
flashy landscape, improbably colored, lively

I loved the most the
porcelin busts of children in dunce caps with lizards with sayings carved in their flesh with children bursting cheerfully from their sides and slugs with the faces of babies

i don't do it justice

i will buy a small peice of it
it's all i can afford but i can't afford not to

i saw a group of seven painted outside the period when they were considered a part of the group of seven so it was only worth forty five thousand dollars, instead of a million
poor thing

i ate some yam soup
read a GQ
?uestlove continues to rock it old school
TV is talking about itself
large tie knots are in
it remains fashionable to be rich and thin and young and naked

now i am a little drunk
tommorrow i am called at 2 PM

and then we open


i miss jania
i am listening to Ben Harper
thinking sappily and happily
of beautiful her

now a drum solo is playing
i downloaded a bunch one day
they litter my iTunes
but i don't clean up
this one is Carl Palmer
he is quite skilled

i should sleep
but i'll probably watch a show
blackstar is blowing my mind and slowing up my typing

did you notice?
i should sleep

kelowna

kelowna is warmer
than edmonton
and presumably winnipeg
the air is moist
the trees are huge
and still green
i am small
and experienced
a willow weeps
down the creek from my window
i don't
why should i?

warren sasy kelowna is the victoria
of the okanagan
judging from the age of everyone
i'd say he's right
he's the front of house manager
but he used to be a doctor
his lincoln town car
is leathery and big
not unlike him
it's nice
not unlike him

the motel is from the 70's
furniture-wise
but it has free internet
and microwaves
one is more modern than the other

I am rooming with scott
he is nice
and smokes weed
just like me
we watch a show called weeds
that i downloaded
while high
two crimes at once
and no victoms

unless you count the brain cells
who have a weak lobby group
their protests fall on deafened ears
as my vices goosestep in

the theatre is gorgeous
a new facility
i will rattle alone in my dressing room
like a marble in a shoe box
i will hang out in the ladies
when they are decent
i am the only boy
in the cast
but not on the tour
brad is here
scott too
betty has characteristics of both genders
this is not an insult

the bar is close
the food is good
the portions gigantic
the techs are competent and nice
the theatre is gorgeous
a new facility

the factors align and conspire
to make the tour fun

this poem
beleives in a flat tax
and is against gay marriage
that's why it's over here

on the right

mormons

my name is earl
is a funny show
it's so positive
you should watch it
on rented dvd

because commercials give you cancer

but don't rent at blockbuster
it's run by Mormons
there's no evidence
that Mormons give you cancer
but I have my suspicions

go to the movie studio instead
or the alternative video spot
they are nice
and locally owned

i am locally owned
but i am travelling out of my proprietory area
this very day

waiting for the cab to come
waiting to get on the plane
wating for the plane to land
almost all of travel
is waiting

i am always ambitious
with my spare time
when i am on tour

i imagine hotel rooms
are the best rooms for writing
my play which i haven't been working on
my screenplay
which turns two soon

i have cds and a workbook
to learn Spanish
so i don't have to say:
lo siento
yo no hablo espanol
mi novia habla espanol
habla con mi novia

they are only too happy to

i haven't budgeted for hangovers
and sleeping all day
which i will also do
plus eight shows a week
the maximum allowed
by equity

i am bringing books to read
vernon god little
the posionwood bible
bridget jones
for dessert
it's all dessert
i like dessert

it is time to pack
which i will do badly
never enough socks

the day before

the day before i leave
i install jania's webcam
and sign up for yahoo messenger
it's the only one for me
cause i have a mac
she has a pc

the choice is not political

i not only have plane tickets
i also have a cold
it's in my nose
but keeps trying to leave
in the form of snot

i trap it in kleenexes
which is a brand, not a thing
when brands are really successful
they become the thing

rft will be fine
i made arrangements with joey
and with kevvy
joey i paid
but not kevvy yet

my dad goes away as much as me
sometimes more
we're gonna hang out today
we're a close family
thanks to my brother
and him dying
we're a close family

relatively speaking

i've been watching a hospital show
it makes me want to tell you all
to drive safely
respect your mortality
wear a seat belt
and when possible
a helmet
you are nothing without your big brain
less then nothing

because you will leave a hole

and

don't fall in love with your heart patient
he will die, in the season finale
we never knew what he did for a living
so i feel like i don't know him
jania cried, but i didn't

jania is napping
the fog blots the sky white
like a death on 6 feet under
i am warm
in my sweat clothes
but not sweating
still i deserve them
i bought them with my own money

i am lazy today
because i can be
they say courage is when you are scared
but do it anyway
lazy is when you have energy
but lie around even still
i still am
you know what i mean

but

who cares about james dean anymore
i have his rare TV appearances
on videotape
somebody thought i would like it
i will regift it
next chance i get
if i give it to you
act surprised

that was a tangent
you are a cosign
be obtuse
if you want to

there's a comfort in the air
a contentment
and blueberry muffins
today all the things i wish i was
don't matter
and i see through my own eyes

leaving town

the weekend before you leave town
is the busiest weekend
packing and seeing people and being nice to my girlfriend
so she misses me

instead of not

the weekend for me is busier than for some
because i have rehearsal
and a million improv shows
besides i always pack badly
forgetting something
never enough socks

i don't know when my plane is
or where my hotel is
but i am sharing a cab
to save the theatre money

the play changed a little
why not?
the actors are the same
but we changed a little
who wouldn't?

we throw a new football on the breaks
Shamus ate the old one
during Faithless
which is a different play

it toured too
to different cities
why not?

i am glad to get out of town
it is a small and sticky place
but i will miss my girlfriend

instead of not

late

after the party
my girlfriend is sleeping
i do things quietly
in the living room
there's a show we're watching
on rented dvd
she's an episode ahead
so i get to watch
and then bed

tired

no matter how little i work
i am tired at the end
i just want to smoke pot
and watch things with my friends

edmonton mornings
are so fucking cold
it takes hitpoints off me
and changes my attitude
which wasn't good anyway
everyone looks dorky
in their hats and parkas
it's a fashion equalizer
there's christmas and fun
winter isn't all dead homeless
but i hate hockey
and i don't ski
so what does winter offer me?

the new thing

is that i am not going to blog about my life or my feelings or anything i am doing or whether or not it is great.

just assume that it is, and that i am in varying degrees of inebriation, doubt, fun, social anxiety and lower back pain.

until further notice: poetry, mostly bad.

Playwright's Notes

Here are the playwright's note I wrote up for Summer of my Amazing Luck, my welfare Moms play.

When I read the novel on which this play was based, I was gripped by a familiar feeling, and then a new one. A familiar mixture of emotional exhaustion and exhilaration, (which I often have after reading a work that has moved me deeply) but also something new; a feeling of potential. Not Miriam’s potential, which is much greater than mine, but a potential for me and this book to do something together, and being as young as I was, potential was almost all I had.

I have always had a soft spot for single mothers. My own mother was a single one for some time during my childhood, and my life was a mixture of rollicking amusement, crying I couldn’t understand, landlords we were afraid of for reasons unclear, the occasional boyfriend, moving a lot, strange babysitters with large children of their own, generally all the things that float through the life of a child whose parent is single and poor. I related to Miriam’s novel on a personal and political level. I wanted very much to make it into a play.

During the five years it took to bring this work to stage I grew five years older, wrote several other plays and got a bit better at it, rewrote this one many times, stopped eating meat, started again, grew and shaved various styles of facial hair, broke up with a few women who were all far too good for me, and consumed many meals in restaurants. In all that time, my affection for Miriam’s book never waned, and my affection for Miriam herself only grew.

How well or poorly to treat our poor is a political issue in our country. It is generally the feeling of the left that the poor should be given a chance to live indoors and raise their children, while people on the far right feel somewhat differently. Critics make much of abuses and fraud of the system, which surely occurs. But, I was once told by a lawyer (one who worked for Canada’s welfare system) that it was his firm opinion that we spend much more money seeking out and punishing welfare fraud then we would lose if all such efforts were halted completely. It’s an interesting thought, especially if money is the important thing. I am for the raising of funding for social programs, and the allowing of part time work to keep welfare recipients in the working world, without knocking their earned wages off their benefits. With our current federal government, I might as well be in favour of tuxedos for dragons and the assignment of pixies to CSIS, ( or something equally unrealistic, like avoiding the complete dismantling of Canadian arts funding).

Lots of teenagers get themselves into trouble. Sometimes they can get themselves out and some can not. This is the story of those who couldn’t, but who made a life or themselves anyway. It’s about community, family and taking care of each other. In these times more than ever, we need to do just that.

I thank Miriam, Brad, Beth and Caroline, Scott and Betty, Dave, Tanya, David and Kevin, and all the folks at Theatre Network, and anyone here tonight who is moved to email, write or phone their MP, and support Canada’s Cultural workers with their voice. Lately, culture’s all that makes us different from the United States.

la la la

This week i feel like a baby howard stern. i am the king of all (small time) media.

I did this thing on CBC radio called the "In Crowd" where we get to plug stuff we think is keen around the City. I came armed with all kinds of dope stuff, so far as I think. I also plugged Bash'd and the RFT prime time shows because I am a sneaky fucker. I brought more than I could use, sadly, and did not get to plugs all the pal's stuff i wanted to. Luckily it's all so great it'll do fine on it's own.

I did this thing on CTV news. It was an in-depth report (which for CTV means a whole 3.5 minutes! that is 56.5 less than 60, which is what 60 minutes does) about the financial boom in Alberta. I was reporting on the arts. I stuck up for Edmonton, not only as a place to start out, but as a place to keep living. I gave as many plugs as I could to Mayor Mandel and dissed the provincial government as best I could. (it was easy)

Next I am doing this thing called a "Total Write-Off" which is like some kind of improv literature game show thing or something. I have no idea. They told me one of my co-guests would be the filmaker guy from American Movie, but I don't know if that panned out. Hopefully super fun.

I am told that soon my 7 minute comedy series for CBC radio will be listened to and decided upon by the higher ups. Only 9.65 months after it was made! Me and Peter Brown worked hard on it, and so did Andrea House and Mark Meer as voices extroidinaire. Fingers crossed. It would be fun to make a bunch more.

And Bash'd marches on. I like the reviews for the most part, and I hope it won't sound like too much of sour grapes or over senitivity to declare Luke Foster from Vue Magazine rather a dumb fellow. First he exclaims that bisexuality doesn't exist (I disagree) , and now he says rap isn't a worthy genre for the discussion of serious topics like gay bashing. I disagree without the use of brackets. (Sorry Fugees! No more rapping about poverty for you!) Check his latest hard hitting column to hear what TV shows he finds "nifty".

I am blogging more often now, aren't i?

so we opened Bash'd

And it went quite well, thanks for asking. Some folks left crying, and we got a standing ovation and such. Interestingly, for such a gay project, my girlfriend was there, loving it and me. Kevin Gillese, who I respect so much as a rapper was there. I blushingly reprint his review.

"the flow was tight throughout, with long stretches of awesome"

So I was releived. We hoped to be successful as actors and as rappers. All I know is, I am losing weight trying to do this show. It's a sweaty enterprize and no foolin'.

It's hard to imagine anyone is reading this anymore. My own fault, posting so seldom as I do. But whatever. Perhaps it will be just a little diary for me, and you all are my parents, sneaking into my room, trying to find out if I am on drugs. (which I am)

I know

I don't post too often. I am too busy and lazy to do so I guess, so I supose no one is really reading this at this point. Fair enough.

This is then, a message in a bottle.

It is a strange time for Chris, a time of change, of letting go of things I wanted which have proved impossible, were impossible all along, though I clung to hopes in a strange way, out of habit, I guess. Certainly not out of joy.

And a time of picking up new things, changing the focus of my life to something more positive.

I will never again try to break in where I am not wanted. I will stay and cultivate the places where I am. I will live in my new apartment with my wonderful girlfriend.

I feel strangely lost, and oddly free.