Saturday, November 17, 2007

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Friday, June 08, 2007

Thursday, May 17, 2007

This guy makes different points, and is funnier

Fuck Jerry Falwell

even a minor illness
burgles your time
you sleep it away
or suffer in the lack of silence that media provides

even if it doesn't kill you
you live a lot less
when you're sick

i guess it's true what they say
you don't have your health
you don' have anything

but what they don't know is

i still have my health
it's just hiding
from the germs

Saturday, May 12, 2007

reading my blog
i think i am an asshole

to bitch about having money

Friday, May 11, 2007

my hilarious friends deserve a TV show
I HAVE PROOF!!!


life is busy
and yet
there is leisure
there is a lot of leisure

so much so
that i am thinking of getting a leisure suit

me and jania are watching prison break
how do they keep the tension up
while continuing to not break out of prison
it's a conspiracy
the vice president is at the top of it
she's working it

meanwhile in real life

i am producing Canada's Largest Improv Festival
got this zombie vs batman concept for the promo material
maybe you see the video below
lots of people coming
friends and friends of friends
it's the thing i do every year
that makes me the nervous-est

there's a tv show i might get to write
a commercial theatre piece
there's work coming in thats me feel like mary tyler moore
like i'm gonna make it after all

on the other side is my taxes
all this work
to apply for my gigantic bill
supposed to get hooked up for GST
keep books
all this stuff
that I do NOT want to do

it reminds me of my high school theory of society

society is a pyramid of exclusionary games
games you are to play
with decreasing levels of guidance
elementary school
high school
college
employment
income taxes
fail to properly play any one of these games
and you will fail at society

but it goes on from there
stock market
incorporation
government

to really get on you gotta learn these games too

i am on the cusp of the new set of games
intimidated sure
but at the same time
whatever
you can't take things too seriously

its only a game

what i really want to do

is dance

Monday, May 07, 2007

i don't like smoking
i'm pretty low maintenance
the bachelor says

a brunette says:

a blonde and brunette fall off a building
which one landed first?

uh, the brunette

yeah, but why?
i dunno

the blonde had to stop and ask for directions

the other women cry
when he disappears into the water
kayaking off the yacht

when you have feelings for a guy
as I guess, a lot of us do at this point
it hurts to see him flirt with other guys

UUUUUH says skip
it hurts her


the bachelor says:
it was fun going out on the boat today
but it was tough too
having feelings for a lot of these women like i do
it was tough having them all interact like that

next they build a playground
it's a fertility test

this is how i type
when i am watching tv
drunkly blogging

bring your pallette
for a night of pleasure

they mix thier own wines
and then paint a painting
for the lable
on the shitty wine

he puts paint on his hand
and takes her hand in his

put it on your heart
he says

and he places his hand firmly
on his sculpted pec
and she on her large firm tit

they kiss

skip screams and claps her hands
these girls will do anything he says

these girls are all twenty three or so
but not devin
devin breaks down

i'm twenty eight
the guy i am dating is dating so many other women
i could just be at home dating a guy who is dating just one woman
i just feel ridiculous

amber says
i cooked dinner for my brothers and sisters every night
i am the most mature twenty three year old, like, EVER
yes
yes you are

ever.

they paint a playground for kids
one of them says
even though we're working as a team
we're really here for andy

not the kids

amber wants to take you to her classroom

he's so handsy
jania says
he'll just pull anything into hug
into a grope

no no
she says
paint the leaves and stems this way

DON"T CORRECT HIM! skip SHOUTS!

we have to take a break
it's too painful

Thursday, April 26, 2007

he is the creepiest guy i ever
well not the creepiest guy i ever
but he's pretty creepy

says jania
about the guy
on the bachelor

these women are competing to marry this guy
who seems an utter douche
he hits on all of them
he is an officer
and a gentleman

oh GOD!
skip says
he's kissing her
he is so GROSS

c'mon smoker girl
they say
their favorite

the next competetion
is to spend the night
for "special quality time"

i like two adjectives - noun thing like that
they are experiencing cheapening demeaning humiliation

sometimes i rush it
she says

Skip's stomache hurts
oh god OH GOD
she says

don't you think that whoever he ends up marrying is gonna change their mind when they see the show, jania says

you're my sanctuary
the bachelor says

with nine girls left

and so it goes

Sunday, April 08, 2007

so we went to whitehorse
headed north from the gateway to the north
which is edmonton
which is why we got a direct flight
for once

whitehorse is a bit squat and frozen
a bit of a strip mall of a City
but with such nice people
such hospitality and fast friendships

we had weed in no time

and the theatre
so well equipped and large
these guys got funding
the government bribes people to live up there
not just with salaries
but with stuff

we set up and we did the show two times
jania came up
we had good times
my Dad works up there
so we this house to stay in
it was really big and nice
but with a disturbing number of stuffed animals
not the plush kind
the kind that once lived
a giant ram faces the front door
he must've been beautiful
now he will be
creepy-beautiful
forever

then we went to dawson city
a full six hours north of whitehorse
on the windy highway of death

we stopped and picked up a hitcher
who had broke down at the side of the road
like we were really nice
like the people there are
he had the biggest hands i ever saw
except when i saw the guy who played chewbacca

the town is a heritage park come to life
all the buildings are ole timey
it's illegal to pave the streets
instead of sidewalks they have boardwalks

the hotel we're staying
is famous for keeping severed frostbite toes
that you put in a shooter
you let the toe kiss your lips as you drink it
if you move there you have to do the toes

we didn't do the toes

the show was in a town hall
about the size of orange hall
we set up against a wall
75 people show up
some drunk and yelly
and unruly crowd
some of them had never been to a play ever before

our comedy shocked them

i heard a guy say
these guys will say anything
after my character said he wanted to have sex
with blanche
from the golden girls

he has a point

and then the drinking
oh so much drinking
the offers of sex
all of us could have had sex with so many grossly drunk people
but we didn't

but they were nice

such nice people

up north
so i haven't blogged in a while
sorry

Sunday, March 25, 2007

i have a cold
so i take medicine
to dry the faucet of snot
but it goes too far
and then I have a nose bleed
the tickling of the blood on my upper lip
wakes me up in the middle of the night
and then i stuff tissue into my nostril
and look quietly at the internet
waiting to stop bleeding

if i start to bleed at the meeting today
i'm sorry
it's not a response to your question
they're all good questions

it's just that I have a cold
and the drugs go too far

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

it seems to me
that we live in an age of techno-sorcery

where we all wear computerized communication and surveillance devices more powerful than the computers we sent up in the first shuttle with cars with video cameras and dvd players, that are hybrids not nearly often enough, with some people actually wearing the tech within their ear, within an actual orifice of their body, and others who are deaf implanting electronic devices to hear for them, to translate sounds into electronic signals that are then read by your nervous system making these humans what we will later think of as the first cyborgs, hopefully, if we get the chance to think of anything at all

while at the exact same time

millions of other people believe in an invisible man in the sky who either wants you to deny global warming and vote conservative, or wear a beard and make jihad or even just be nice and moderate but truly believe they have a personal relationship with a fictional person who died over two thousand years ago which could only be possible with the use of and given the existence of:

MAGIC

science has a slippery slope

if you need to hold the belief that the earth is six to eleven thousand years old, then you must draw into doubt something as simple and solid as carbon dating, so its a short jump to call into question atmospheric science, which makes one wonder if water really freezes at zero degrees or does God consistently make it look that way to serve his ineffable plan?

magic has no such problem

magic is exactly as provable today as it ever was, and religious magic needs no proof at all, for in a flawless loophole, faith is required, you are required to have faith in magic to be considered a member of the group and retain the fabulous benefits that come from membership, like a pure and pretty dating/marriage scene, and the satisfaction of creating a majority government

but some science they DO believe

the science of bombs and machines to pump oil and refine oil and the computers to watch the whole thing and the robots who took the jobs of the people before they discovered people of different color were cheaper than robots, because they build and maintain themselves and they will even use a computer to tell you that science is a lie and technology has gone too far and click on this video to illustrate the point

we live in an age of techno-sorcery
the two french kiss in the hallway
while they both tell each other to stop

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Thursday, March 15, 2007

it is important
to be a good boss
to not panic
and start kicking asses
that do not need to be kicked

or in the process of getting your own shit together
question the value
of another's shit
already more together than yours

it is important to embrace change
as you make them
and realize that others may not as much
it is important to cultivate affection
while not caring if you receive it

like they say in battlestar galactica
'he knew about machines
command is about people'
you are so right, lee adama
that is why

(season 2.5 spoiler alert!)

you shall command the Pegasus

in other news
i am learning all about ad/hd
the thing about a thing that kids get
is there are all these kids books
and parent manuals
that your social worker girlfriend
can borrow from the hospital library

it is also a gift to have a character who simply can't stop talking even for a second due to what condition her condition is in and i already snuck in a gay joke

want to see?

P: Hey there. It’s okay.

JAMIE: I just wonder why, you know? I am not a bad person!

P: I know.

JAMIE: My home life is normal, as far as I know. Except my parents aren’t divorced.

P: I know.

JAMIE: Everyone else’s parents are divorced and mine aren’t.

P: Some would say this is a positive thing.

JAMIE: Karen has two Dads and she’s not weird like me!

see there
hilarious
p means principal
when you're a lazy typist

this joke is
sure to be cut in the first workshop
but maybe not

i'll let you know

Friday, March 09, 2007

i don't believe in writer's block
but i do believe in not knowing what to type next
that happens to everyone
writers are just so good with words
they invent a disease
so its not their fault
that they don't know what to type next

anybody reading this ever suffer from AD or ADHD?
how about their kids?

i need your input
so i can steal your life story
and pass it off as my awesome writing

all that said
can i have it?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

so okay

so

i can't keep control of my schedule
it just whirls around me
in my memory or on little slips of paper
that may or may not be anywhere near me
and when i get real busy
i forget stuff
and misplace stuff
and double book myself
which then i have to cancel
and it eats up even more of my time
which was the thing i was short of
in the fucking first place

so okay i can't use a book
i have books
i have made books
jania has made books for me
i like books
but i can not carry one around all the time
i am literally not able.
it's genetic or something

so i get an idea
i will purchase an electronic device
and i will addict myself to it
i will
effortlessly
(as a matter of course
for it was designed to be thus)
become completely addicted
and then whenever anybody says

are you free this thing on this night or whatever?

i am so happy
i am so fucking happy to pull out this thing
i have been waiting
because i am addicted to it
it my phone and internet
and i get to push the little tiny buttons
of this thing
and find out if i am
and if i'm not

and if i am!

then i am even happier
because i put it into the electronic thing
and then i have it there

i think i do more stuff
just because i just want to
schedule more stuff

it's making me more active as a person!

you can laugh
but i found what worked
i finally know what i am doing today


nothing

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

sometimes i get so impatient
waiting for some silly thing to happen
that i could just explode

with that in mind
maybe its better i lack superpowers

especially the power to explode
last night i did a gig with donovan
we talked a lot
about nine eleven
and how much we both believe it was done
by the american government
the neat and swift demolition
the speed it went down
the physical evidence
the coincidental moving out
of people and gold
the Nixon plan
to do the same kind of thing
when the Vietnam war was unpopular with so many
especially the Vietnamese
the sheared girders
so identical to a planned demolition
as done by professionals
all around the world
even some circumstantial
suggesting rudy guiliani was in on it
that makes a sad sense
as the next preseident

we also did some improv comedy
it was pretty fun
i was hungry to do it
excited to get back into rft shows
good thing too
with so many folks gone
i planned my absence
just like the CIA planned nine eleven
(doesn't it look odd typed out like that?
so unlike the logo it's become)
and it was much less devastating

perhaps my return
will be like a huge light pointing into the sky

(can you tell I'm kidding?
sometimes i feel like you can't tell
when i'm kidding)

anyhow
nine eleven conspiracy theories
so two thousand and two
how passe'
tres

lo siento

Monday, March 05, 2007

on second thought

Barrie was kind of awesome

because no one sees anything controversial anymore

they don't get the chance
they are warned so thoroughly
whenever anything has teeth

or it's 'taming of the shrew'
a nice familiar controversy

that no one really cares about

real controversy
requires the element of surprise
barrie had that

a partial standing ovation
where people actually scolded the standers
"you're standing for THIS?"
was reported to me

many people left
other wanted to
others talked about it
loudly
but stayed

it was a rare thing for me
an actually controversial performance

i had to go all the way to barrie to get it

so i've decided barrie was awesome
on second thought

Saturday, March 03, 2007

so okay

okay
so we did the magnetic north festival
with our little show
our little:
"trailer park boys meets long day's journey into night"
we get offered this weird little tour
and we say sure
what an adventure!
we say to ourselves
surely we'll book other dates
calgary is a go anyway
we know that
edmonton too
at the KABOOM festival
so we'll tour 3...2...1 a good little while
and then hang it up

well

calgary fell through
it's along story
KABOOM died
the other dates never came up
but we already signed for this
so here we are

first show is in kitchener
home of my birth
where my Mom still lives
we all stayed with her
such fun
so odd
the set was late
same day, right away
is just a name
like 100% real beef
its more a name than a thing that is true
i was terse on the phone
we got what we wanted
sort of

the centre in the square
has 2000 seats
tickets cost 35 dollars
except for the free ones
i got for 12 family members

i was so nervous

then

the storm of the century
one newscaster called it
an ice storm
they cancelled for weather
and IATSI
which a union so powerful
it makes Equity look like a tiny little bitch
overtime or something

we weren't worth it

but i had a nice time with my family

so okay

so let's go to St. Catherines
set up the set
tech all day
do the show
for all these drama students
it was a rock show
almost too much
they laughed at everything
even the drama
i had trouble connecting emotionally
but whatever

we ordered pizza
the pizza had a germ in it

because we woke up and went to barrie
and a flu or something stowed away
inside nathan's body

we got to barrie
the TD is nonverbal
the theatre is on a campus
but no students are coming
it's reading week
some people stood
some people left
some people didn't like it and were won over
you could hear people in the crowd
discussing whether or not to leave

nathan got through it
throwing up in his mouth
only once

now we sit in the comfort inn
it has comfort
and free internet
so you get to hear all about it
i complain
but it is not unfun
tommorrow we fly home
for two weeks

and then do it all again

this time in the yukon

Monday, February 26, 2007

weight lifting, tv watching, making models of superheroes, making prosthetics for hallowe'en, going to movies, going to meetings, eating, driving my car around, walking, digesting food, sleeping, thinking about things, fantacizing, infanticiding, making off colour jokes,making my parents proud, purchasing birthday presents, drinking, occasional hero-clicks, settlers of kataan, disputing the cultural value of hockey, being a huge nerd, writing a play, reading a play, directing a play, producing a play, casting a show, doing a show, seeing a show, talking about somebody else's show

film, tv, rap, jazz, german caberet singing, comics, novels, current event non-fiction, computers, other people, politics, the environment, the exposing of powerful liars, possibly you, religion, extraterrestrial life, zombies, the afterlife, art, knitting (observationally), what other people are talking about, popular culture, how dumb is everyone, why?, how?, what are you doing, right NOW, the incredible hulk

rap, electronica, german caberet singing, acoustic guitar, a caustic guitar, a drop kick too far, and above all forever the verbal and rhythmic stylings of the RED I KNIGHT !

movies: they are all awesome. or shitty. or just okay. which is shitty.

books: they are all awesome. or shitty. or just okay. which is shitty.

tv shows: they are all awesome. or shitty. or just okay. which is shitty.




"there's this old joke, a man takes his brother to see a psychiatrist, he says "Doctor, you've got to help me, my brother thinks he's a chicken!"

The Doctor says, "I think we can cure him."

and the man says, "You can't do that! I need the eggs!"



i think this would work better if you asked me questions and i tried to answer you as honestly as possible. wouldn't you learn more. right now i am just deciding what to share and it hardly seems fair. what about all the stuff i don't want you to know?


look at me from the side

this is my profile.
tommorrow i see my mom
i hope she likes my friends
i hope she makes banana bread
i love her banana bread
i love her
i hope she lives forever
and bakes banana bread
at night
with jania asleep
it's just you and me, internet
go ahead


dazzle me
today is the last rehearsal
of 321
before we go on tour

in kitchener
we will stay
a whole three days
with my religious mom
she will love nathan
almost as much as jesus
and as we shut the door
we'll say
nathan's gay
and leap into the moving car

today is the first rft board meeting
in forever
for me
much has occurred
and must occur yet
between now and the ganza
when the season ends
almost

and i'm sorry mr comment
i talk about my own life here
not the lives of others
you will see who is gone
when they are no longer there
perez hilton might dish the dirt
i put it in pots

i get so nervous in board meetings
am nervous in general
with the people in charge of me
luckily there aren't very many such people
or i'd be nervous all the time

Sunday, February 25, 2007

all is well, well...

oh the blog!
one forgets that people actually read it

my culture shock is dimming
it no longer destroys me
that a greek dinner costs
what my friends make in a month

it just hurts a little

rft is short on senior improvisers for now
but we have survived exoduses before
the younger talent pool is strong
but years away
from being a jules or a bill
but all will be well
all is well, well...

some things are not

loss
and
death
of the loved ones of our loved ones
life continues to be

hard

what did you expect?

but i am more or less okay
rft is okay too
i say this
because you seemed worried
thank you
for caring

if you did

but all is well

well...

not all is well
but within parameters
of expectation
the world being what it is
immoral war for raging
the atmosphere collapsing
powerful forces deliberately denying humanity the chance to save itself
mainstream media a pack of lying liars
good people kept as poor as dirt
so coke can have a protected market

and don't forget

the human condition remains in play
entropy
death
loss
of the loved ones of our loved ones
things fall apart
it is the nature of things
with david suzuki
and anyone, really

with you

but all is well
this is all normal
this is our new normal

what do you think?

Friday, February 23, 2007

so, here we go
one does go on
what else does one do?

i tried to drink my way through it
i tried to laugh my way through it
i tried to work my way through it
i tried to laugh my way through it

now i will try all of the above
step one is shutting up about it

schedules need organizing
rft's senior improvisors
are dropping like flies
moving away
going to LA, mostly
or Vancouver (LA Jr)
or still insisting on living in europe
on the thin excuse of a wife and child
or new zealand of all places
(where was the old zealand?
in our hearts.)
or to pursue the career
of a rock star
that one is a two for one deal
half the time i lose another improviser
who just wants to watch them play

the fact is
i have a lot less people to do shows with
here at RFT

what happened here?
i couldn't have driven them all away...

when it was me and mark and ron and jacob
ambition was a dirty word
it was frowned upon to want anything more
i was often frowned upon

now if you miss a pilot season
you're just fucking lazy
or ugly
or too old

edmonton got more interesting, said jacob
we have real gossip now
people flame out on drugs
just like real live stars
seemed like ten years went by
and nothing changed at all
now it changes by the minute
it changed while i was typing this

i mean
look at you

you've changed.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

it's hard to get your work done
when your society seems so dumb to you now
how am i supposed to care deeply about canadian theatre
when kids are starving everywhere
even in the rich countries
even here

what kind of fucking people are we, anyway?

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

normal life

so you get home
and you get back to work
real life
normal life
i've heard it called
i've called it

the energy of
of artistic youth
can overwhelm in sufficient numbers
the nosebowl was a success
the C I G too
Canadian Improv Games
to use it's whole name

i taught a workshop
i planned it a little
but i didn't plan for a class of 32
this is why class size
is such an issue for teachers
this is why they strike and grumble
and really occasionally sleep with their students
that work is stressful

striking is an act of garnering appreciation
by removing the activities that feel unappreciated

in relationships it's called a "break"

jacob is in town
we rocked fun shows on the weekend
showed them nosebowlers how its done
the final chimprov of nosebowl
is the real end of the festival for me
we get so worked up
feeling the pressure
of pretending to know what we're doing

now i'm rehearsing 3...2...1
it's a play
it's been described as
"the trailer park boys meets the long day's journey into night"
this is not unapt
i get to act with my friend nathan
he's the best actor i know
i think

this tour we're doing is kind of retarded

its one of those

one night only leave town in the morning set it up do it again all in tiny cities where no one will see the play and will lead to nothing just a way to do the play for some people who will probably be totally offended anyway

but, in kitchener we're all staying with my mom

so that's hilarious

3...2...1 got published in a book
called two hands clapping
(insert masturbation joke here)
it's a book of two handed plays
we're a society of two handed people

that's why it resonates with our culture

our culture

i can't get used to how much everything costs
i used to look at menus and think
three dollars?? it better be good...
paying more for sandwiches than i used to spend all day
and all this room
and all this stuff

been talking more about that little beach house off of las penitas
will we really?
i always hoped i'd have a beach house someday
but i thought i'd have to get much richer than this
we dream about what it will be
a house for us
a minihotel for brigades passing through
an arts centre my friends disappear too
only to return with shows that are awesome

it can be all these things
and things i haven't thought of

if we can just manage to buy it
it's not that much
if you have a real job

which i don't

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

so cold. so cold.

the statue of geroge bush sr
in the george bush airport at houston
is a dynamic one
golden george
always striding ahead
tossing his suit jacket jauntily over his shoulder
the savior of kuwait
proud father

in the passport line
an offical says
'you're canadians?'
and we are ushered to a shorter line
that says US citizens
we cruise through so quickly
like the junior americans we are

it's a five hour layover
i buy comic books
ultimate x men
volumes 4 through 6
me and jania wait

all of travel is waiting

the day starts at 5 am and pulls into the calgary airport at 10 pm
it can't beleive it's the same day
it can't beleive how cold it is

the condo in calgary feels weirdly huge
so much space
we got used to living in a hotel room smaller than this kitchen
we got used to so much less
how long until we're so used to being rich that we feel poor again?
how long until we're used to being cold?

Sunday, February 11, 2007

during my last day on the beach
i set up for my final nicaraguan interview
emailed about RFT publicity
ocean crashing into itself
about 50 meters away

obviously
i am going home

i am hungry to work
but afraid of the cold
of the weather
and in the eyes
of certain people
who live where i do

jania and i talked of the future
what we thought it would be
what it mght be
i want to move but don't
she wants more school, maybe
edmonton is so small and cliquey
toronto is closer to my other family
but on the other hand
it's closer to my other famiy
Calgary has been spoken of
they make tv there
and what of this nicaragua
how much time to give our new best friend?
how many documentaries can one realistically make
about your girlfriend's work?

in the end we decided
it will all happen however it does
no matter how much we worry

we all know what john lennon said

'oh god, this lunatic shot me'

you know he didn't see that coming

we must take things a moment at a time
set up the tripod
listen to the mic
ask your questons

and hope for usable footage

Saturday, February 10, 2007

it´s almost done
over and done

global poverty is like the matrix
once you know about it
it´s hard to unknow
and i find myself wondering
if i would have been happier
taking the blue pill

it´s my gloomy nature
jania tells me
to focus on the AIDS in the children
instead of the children in the river
to dwell on the curse of knowing
instead of the joy of inclusion

we were so privledged to be trusted
in these lives while we were
while we are, and we are, forever
you can´t unsee things
you can only reorder them and forget
take the blue pill in peices
in beers, worries and busyness
of everyday life

the bastards count on it
they make life a little harder in increments
so that we never have the time
to change our clothes
let alone our world

Let alone our world!
i want to scream at them
but they won´t hear me
they can´t
over the cash registers

and the alien anthropoligists will know
we were the world
who died for an extra 3 percent

Friday, February 09, 2007

i know i´m supposed to write about nicaragua

we drove and drove
and got to a beach
and then drove to another one
so many pelicans so close
i could almost float up and touch
their incredibly long faces

why the long face?
my guess is
global warming

we drove out to playa coco
where the turtles nest
in the thousands
no turtles for five days
the army guys says
(they are guarded by army guys because the UN says too)
why the change
they don´t know
i imagine i do
global warming

i begin to obsess about climate change
the way we obsessed about nuclear war
when Reagan was the asshole
and GW was still on cocaine

the end of the world
has a way of sticking in the mind

all the best minds on earth agree
that it may already be too late
but all the papers say it´s a scare tactic
to protect the oil industry
the pentagon has a leaked report on global warming
the most pessimistic to date

those hippies

nuclear war could have happened
if somebody did something drastic
global warming happened
because no one will do something drastic
like make cars just a little more efficient
twenty years ago

remember the ozone layer
we spray hairspray with pumps now
it got a bit better
i guess the hairspray industry
has some beefing up to do in washington

this is what is running through my mind
these last days in Nicaragua
I bum everyone out
no one likes to hear
about the end of the world

but of course it isn´t
not the end of the world
just the end of the parasite it´s been infected with
boring into her skin and pulling out money
at a rate irresponsible to her breath

here´s the lies for global warming:

we don´t know enough about it

it´s not our fault anyway

there´s probably nothing we can do

it might be beneficial!

i want to tell your friends
that instead of hockey and ballet for their children
maybe weapons training
maybe a survival class
how to skin a rabbit your snared
on the frozen tundra of arizona
how to befriend the brutal warlord
who runs your security quadrant

it´s my last weekend in nicaragua this year
and with the future in such peril
i try to find the resources within
to enjoy beauty while it exists

and try not to reflect on the irony
that the world is ending
just when i figured out i want kids

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

blog about it!
you have to blog about it!
says Jania
so here it is

i ate this thing
it looks like a hockey puck
it was kind of spicy
with a hint of mint

i heard it was pork
but it looked like rice
then Angel said
yes
it´s rice
rice
in pigs blood

gross, right?
it´s like the british
with their sausage thing

now that i have been exposed to pigs blood
i will destroy you all
with my terrifing telekinetic powers

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

the last day

the last day of the clinic
produced quite a few tears
hector proved with his emotions
he is not a midget billionaire

andrea too was quite moist near her eyes
jania too
but not me

i am a man

one last superman for antonio
one last hug with a spin for the brothers
one last listen on the camera headphones
one last dose of whatever we have
to whatever they can keep

we ate at locoburger
it´s a nicaraguan chain
there will be a mini chapter in the doc
i asked the guy at the counter
are you better than McDonalds
Claro que si (of course we are)
we use real meat

then we went to Los Torroes
there´s a school there that we have a duffel bag full of stuff for
shoes, socks, toothbrushes
that kind of thing

i interview a girl there
she´s from ottawa
a ID student at the U of T
she´s teaching now
but she´s going to be a missionary
it´s not her idea, she says
but God had a plan for her
we do the interview
and i ask her to sign the release
she sees the working title and blanches

- accupuncture works in nicaragua?
that is what you´re doing here?

i explain it is a rural medicine
good for impoverished areas
due to it´s simple equipment needs

she tells me she does not beleive in accupuncture
i figure she is skeptical about its medical value
but no
she thinks its evil
she furthermore informs me
that people who have a relationship with jesus
(as i obviously don´t, she divines by my face, which is looking at her like she´s crazy, ithink she´s crazy)
people who have a relationship with Jesus
don´t beleive in it
it works with the spirit
it´s dangerous

is it witchcraft, i ask?
well, it is like witchcraft, she says

will you sign the form, i ask
no, she says
and you should tell people what you are doing up front
she´s accusing me
like i´m the asshole

i was furious

i behaved badly

angel went to look at our donations
i said loudly
well they´re kind of tainted now!
will anyone want a witchcraft toothbrush?

she´s the only one who understands english
so i guess it was for her

i was ashamed of myself later

for getting mad
and for not having my camera when she said accupuncture was like witchcraft
i love exposing christians with their crazy talk
it´s all invisible satan all over the place with these people
it´s hilarious

why is it that people who claim to have a personal relationship with kurt cobain are crazy
while people like this get to be president?

why does it make me so mad?

later we went to see the giant siholette of sandino
the first and greatest revolutionary of nicaragua
watches the City eternally

the dump is on fire
smoke plumes over the City
i shoot it from the lookout
200 families live there
off the garbage
of the slightly better off people

it´s the last day
we´re supposed to play now
beach tommorrow
all like that

we found the energy to work hard
do we have enough left
to relax

Saturday, February 03, 2007

the beach is largely though of as a place for fun
our study supports that

one hundred and six people were brought in
two busses and our montero
a cafe rented out
it´s owned by a friend of the centre
a friend of Eduardo

the whole trip is the notion and gift of Eduardo
an Edmontonian we know
a teacher of disabled kids
who volunteered there for 18 years
several of the kids call him papa

why not?

some are afraid of the water
they want in, but with limits

they are very specific

they grip monkey style to our torsos
and scream at the currents
jania crawls with norman
back and forth with the waves
in about six inches of water

Hector is carried about
barking instructions
he looks like a midget billionaire

moisise has no fear
he is six
i throw him around
it´s fun

musicians come by
they play for us and the kids dance
some of them very well

lunch is brought in
in huge tubs
what a production this is
the workers are watching kids as a team
they practise zone defence
and man to man
they know just what they are doing

julio is there
we weren´t sure he would be
andrea thinks he´s playing me
he does ask for a lot of things
in my bad spanish i ask him
why do you want things all the time?
instead of just being my friend?
he looks at me and says
friends share.
its funny
and true

use me, jacob would say
when i worried he was giving too much
or else i go unused

in any case
i didn´t rent the quad for julio
i stand by the decision

our broken morale
lifts slightly
it´s home stretch
and we run just ahead of the ball

Thursday, February 01, 2007

today is a heavy day
if today was a hat
i´d be shorter

we sleepwalk through the clinic
on dream feet that sink

our friend was robbed
beat up
threatened
thrown from the taxi
banditos organized
in gangs of two
my friend is a local

so this is no stupid whitey

it can happen to anyone

she thanks God
she was not killed
she thanks God for friends like us
she thanks God nothing is broken
that she landed on the earth
and not what we cover the earth with
she is only bruised

and traumatized

she stayed up late
looked at mugshots
they will get these guys
and just because her borther in law is a commissioner of the policia
and the jefe de policia´s neice
had the same thing happen to her

but it helps

we took up a collection
a robbery can be life changing
in a land of the poor
twenty bucks each makes up a month´s wages
i can understand robbery
but I don´t get this

she wanted to share with us
because we are friends
but now it is past
and she will come tonight to kareoke
to the beach tommorrow
and let´s not talk about it

and now lulu
(do you know lulu?)
a towering spirit
with a flickering light
if you know her say something
now is the time
go to her
www.lulularude.com

i stagger under my hat
maybe it will be lightened
by singing islands in the stream
with an old friend

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

back at the little blue bird
we go on like before
needles and wheedles
of smiles from the smiley
and the not so much

i take on julio as a project
a kid of normal intelligence
just hyperactive, tourettes
a kid that in Canada
might be in a special class
maybe some ritalin
basically living a normal life

(what is a normal life?)

so we play
i stole a giant exercise ball
and bounced it all around
(we visitors get away with murder)
then we played our truck game
setting up blocks
knocking them down
its loud and they look at us
but i am a guest
getting away with murder
he is my helper
mi ayundante

he carries my tripod
sits in on my shoots
it seems to make him happy
he gets the lions share of my attention
though we can´t speak to each other well
but his mood turns on a dime
after a day all day
he sulks away
i say goodbye and get nothing
´ís that what i get?´
i ask aloud
lindsey says yes
welcome to social worker love

maybe it´s because i´m leaving

andrea does a workshop with the staff
they seem disappointed
that chinese medical school
takes more than three hours
andrea struggles
with the concept of ¨real¨

i interviewed the doctor
there were conditions
no asking about sex
as in - do the kids have it
which they do
which means no asking about AIDS
and do the kids have it
which they might
tests cost money
and health care isn´t free
since 1990
when the US subverted democracy
with their war
HIV tests cost almost 17 dollars each
they can´t afford it
we are looking to raise money
to see that they can

I interview adriana
i have a new joke question to end with

do you think it´s fair
as an american citizen
that i ask you answer for your country?

pause

laugh

no

no its not




i know


but why not?

Monday, January 29, 2007

There is a place close to jania´s heart
though it is a three day drive from houston
it is the rural town of Jinocao
where she has been pilgrimaging
for ten years now

the highway after Leon gets much worse
and it wasn´t good to begin with
our speed is so reduced
that kids chase the cars
and keep up

cows walk in front of us once, twice
three times a lady
with kids, hands out
one spit at the car when we went by
without contributing

the town itself is much prettier then i imagined
the family, Jania´s family, her other family
(another family? there´s so many)
are so charming
we start with a cirlce of speeches
Angel translates
I say mine in my broken Spanish
like JFK
I am a Hamburger

we play games with the kids
i am whacky
and win many ten year old friends
we introduce what we think is duck duck goose
but later realize it´s duck duck rooster
due to the deficiencies of Jania´s goose impression
the principles are the same

we drive a rocky road
to treat an old lady
she cannot walk
there is one lightbulb in her house
the rooms are made up of back plastic
still they vote conservative

she cries when she speaks of her pain
Andrea can tell she has had a stroke
she has heart problems too
she should be on medication
seeing a doctor every two weeks
like our old people do
Andrea is maybe her third doctor ever

she says that God has blessed her
sent us to her
its tearful and touching
we all feel great
then we leave
and feel guilty
Andrea wonders
is this good feeling
simply something i paid for
am i doing this
instead of Paris
or mountainclimbing
are we just help-tourists?

maybe

the old lady has some relief
lasting three days to three months
depending on her faith levels
which seem high
in the morning her daughter stands up at church
says her mother felt better
didn´t want to bathe
in case she washed the goodness off

when we got back the tire was flat
we drove over some barbed wire
which is everywhere

in the morning
we went to the river
we hear there might be parasites
that swim up your urethra
sounds like a weird thing to risk
but we did

it was so fun

driving back from fixing the tire
which took Angel five hours
we ran over a nail
and got another flat
in a different tire
we are one of three cars in this community
so they don´t keep much track

we stopped in leon
to pick up the painting
lindsey bought another one
he was in better spirits
our painting is now in our hotel room
i´d like to hang it
but jania worried about the terrible walls and their awful paint
oh well
it sits up pretty
i love it

today i took the morning off from the clinic
the videographer is not essential staff
i have work at home that needs my typing
arlen is going to LA now
(who isn´t? i´m not.)
3...2...1 and faithless
i almost forgot how i make up stuff for a living
for a life

i almost thought i just swam in rivers

Thursday, January 25, 2007

the drop in the bucket

parahito azul
means the little blue bird
and its true
each of these kids lacks
any nest but this
and not all of them received
their deserved wingspan

blogging is harder
when you work for a living
when the clinic is 8 hours a day
plus meetings
and you shoot it all
and how to describe all the sadness and hope
even with the vaguery
of my poetic licence

all we can do is try

cerebral palsy
is a motor control issue
mohhamed ali
is still muhhamed ali in there
he just can´t punch you
there are secret energy points within
to stimulate the brain
to help regain control of arms and legs
epilepsy has points too
at the back of the head
near the nape of the neck
it is hard to treat epilepsy
when there is autism too
they don´t understand
and rip the medicine from their heads

helen is our door keeper
she opens it and closes it
she does wonderful needlework
on pillowcases and sheets
she makes some personal money at this
and is throwing a birthday party next friday
we´re all invited
her birthday is in march
the centre throws one birthday party each month
for all the kids celebrating within that thirty days
this year helen gets two

hector is 13, but is the size of a one year old
his bones are so fragile
that he forgets how much
he breaks his legs playing
his arms
shaking someone´s hand
his mind is sharp
his tongue fast and funny
he goes back to the dorms shouting
ít´s okay! ´
it is good medicine!
it doesn´t hurt so much!
he calms the kids with his confidence
i interview him at 3
he doesn´t know it
but he is the new star of my movie

antonio loves superheroes
i draw wolverine for him
i draw the hulk
his art teacher says
draw more slowly
so he can learn how you do it
i draw more slowly
he watches so closely
during his treatment
he talks of superman
batman and the flach
flach? they ask
is he a wrestler?
i try not to talk from behind the camera
but this is too much
the flash i say
he means the flash
my bad spanish
un hombre muy rapido?
si, he says, smiling si
the FLACH!
a few seconds later
he falls asleep during his treatment
in mid sentence
it is a good sign
that the medicine is working

carla morena
has a boyfriend
they are getting married today
but the minister didn´t show up
then she tires of that
and is going on a trip
she is losing weight too fast
they don´t know why
in the last six months three girls have died this way
losing weight quickly
and slipping away
not carla
not her

please

she is in love

andrea says
she can fix this and that
but she can´t cure cp
she can´t make parents appear
i tell her
what jania told me

to do this work
you must beleive in the drop in the bucket
that the drop in the bucket is worth dropping
thought the bucket is not filled by it

we must beleive in the drop in the bucket

and then demand of our powerful ones
to make it rain

Sunday, January 21, 2007

the markets of Managua

there are bootlegged movies cartoon to porn, rum, cigars, art, hammocks, wood working, T shirts, uniforms, haircuts, the jaw bone of a cow, fresh fish, coffee, corn, rice in huge bags weighed out, coke comes in a plastic bag tied in a knot with the straw sticking out, meat sitting there on blocks of ice, concrete gutters down the centre of the floor where a trickle of whatever flowing into it, kids grab your arms as you walk by, people ask you what you want because you´re white and can afford anything they have whenever you want they think and they´re right, girls grab my arm, boys grab jania´s, young men look at Jania hungrily and i look at them warningly and nobody says anything, we want rum, i want movies sometimes they´re in spanish and i don´t know until its too late, i found whitecoats which ron and mark are in and i bought it for them and i just ruined the surprise but they never read this anyway,and cigars and every kind of cigar is there, except fonsecas, sorry joey, is there another kind you want? rocky I II III IV V VI, more IV´s than in the hospital where I do not want to go, bed sheets, sculptures of fat women squatting and thin women with no heads who hug their own legs and leather wallets and pouches, baseball hats from american sports and never anything with anything nica on it never, painting and my favorites are by a guy named niger and its pronounced nigger and me and jania did not want to say his name out loud ever even though we are fans, you want it they got it and it´s cheaper than cheap but adds up on a playwrights salary and we simply must stop, must stop, can´t stop, must stop.

also, it´s the bus stop.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

the stories we heard

the stories we heard
sad has too few letters
tragic is used up on kids in wells
jania cried in the interview
and a lot more later
war is hell
but the demons are people
what happens to the people
to make them demons in the hell of war?

deep breath

back in managua
the dirty-gorgeous capital city
that would rather blow a whistle than sleep
tommorrow night the other people come
lindsey and andrea and lynda
to start the clinic
a ball room is coming from Mexico
Andrea´s dad is sending it
also 100 toothbrushes
socks and underwear
casual wealth shrugging its shoulders
giving away what falls off

jania felt sick last night
but i didn´t
something that she ate
which i didn´t
it´s hard to beleive that we will be here
another whole month
that this thing is just starting
all that preceded was just preamble
like when there´s a lot of trailers
before the movie
and you´re tired when the titles roll

we all have to shake our heads sometimes
stiffen our sinews and smile at the new day
more is called for
and more is on the way

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Which one is smaller

The bus to Esteli was a school bus
but i didn´t learn a thing
there were two guys behind us
they were like the puppets who sat in the balcony
disliking everything
it´s true what they say

what you don´t know can´t hurt you
sometimes

we finished with spanish class
and then we interviewed the teachers for the doc
jania´s teacher was a girl during the revolution
all the other kids got to join the army
she was mad that she didn´t

in nicaragua the electricity is privatized
like it is in Alberta
the City can´t afford to light up the public square
it´s mostly dark
a social resource missing
in a town where bars are for the rich

they all agree that a fetus is a living being
they all agree the new abortion law punishes only the poor
i am glad not to have grown up in stife
but what thoughtful people a generation of strife creates

at the revolution musem
the curator lives in a room in the back
we showed up to shoot
and he was in the shower
he showed us a jail
where the government took prisoners
hung them upside down in water
electrified the water
pulled out their teeth
150 prisoners
in a space smaller
than the Varscona Men´s Dressing room

he took us to the roof
to show us where the army shot at unarmed students
the square is beautiful
with volancoes behind
Mobotumbo and Mombotombito

to show which one is smaller

then we went to Esteli
i ventured from the bus
into the crazy bus station market
i spoke Spanish
felt indpendent
bought three cheese biscuits
and a fried banana with cheese
it doesn´t sound like it would be good
but it so was

yesterday we interviewed
the leading primitivist painter
in Nicaragua
they had a rough Christmas this year
the kids were crying
while we were talking his wife went to buy us drinks
so poor
and yet so kind
during the interview i had mic problems
i had forgotten batteries
i almost cried
we have his words at least
his art
i hope i can salvage something
pay tribute to this amazing talent

the painter in his doorway

In Esteli we saw the Museo de Madres
set up by the Mothers of the men who died in the revolution
there are pctures of every single one
except when there are no pictures
then its a piece of clothing
the name pinned on top
pictures of yourself are a privledge

that´s why models are so rich

we shoot there at ten tommorrow
the director of the Museum said my work was important
that scared me

a lot

at dinner we met two airplane mechanics who are driving
from San Salvador to Panama City
on motorcycles
i talked politics with them
trying not to offend
i didn´t offend

who to offend and who not to
is an artistic choice
that i have always made bravely
why then

do i always avoid it face to face?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Sweat

spanish is hard
to misquote steve martin
ít´s like these spanish people have a different word for everything
but more
different grammar too
different rules
por and para
they both kind of mean for
but they mean a lot more than that
i always kind of doubted i could learn spanish in three two hour sessions
but now i am sure

today i am shooting at galleries
there´s a painter i am hoping to interview
he was in the group that painted the murals of the revolution
huge things on walls, blantantly political
you´ll see
if i ever show my doc to anyone
in Nicaragua people paint their politics on the walls
there are no mexican wrestler faces
no one writes listen
they write who they want to be president
and BUSH GENOCIDA
which speaks for itself
we write that too
but this big
not this EVERYWHERE

Nicaragua sweats politics
and it´s always hot

Monday, January 15, 2007

Leon has more than Furniture

in leon it is hot
not so in our hotel room
we splurged
and have air conditioning
it is so nice there
that we can shower without sandals

leon has a massive cathedral
i shot there today
then i sat and meditated
to make up for my disrespect
in latin american they do not fear a black jesus
or a white one
they are in the same place
like the united colors of benneton
they say a bishop switched the plans for leon´s cathedral
for a bigger one destined for Lima Peru
that´s a nice trick
that you couldn´t get away with any more
there´s an energy in there
places soak it up
if i were more religious
i´d call it God
but theatres have it too
and we´re such sinners
so i´ll call it energy
and continue enjoying premarital sex

this afternoon i start spanish tutoring
it will be the most expensive thing i´ve done here so far
unless you count buying the camera
i don´t
yo quiero mas de espanol
i´ll pay these guys
to pùt it in my head
me and Jania have different tutors
because she is so much better at habla-ing than me
she is also cuter
this is not disputed

our friend Angel had his cell phone stolen
he already lent his back up one to us
poor fellow
Jania wants a latin america cell phone
i already have a europe one
just sitting there
with an empty electronic stomache
waiting to be fed
if it were alive I´d feel bad
i don´t feel bad for machines yet
except for certain cars

like herbie
and kitt
and the ferrari in ferris bueller´s day off
poor cars
they only tried to do good
in a terrible world

iran´s president came to nicaragua
and signed a deal with them
i can´t say his name
or type it
america is freaking out
poor babies
maybe someone will trade with someone besides you
and your sanctions won´t cripple economies anymore
poor fat babies
fuck you

Jania reminds me not to see things in black and white
but it is hard for me
because my father was a dog

when he was younger

i try to make her
but try as I might
she just won´t hate people with me
on account of being a better person than me

we are in love
this is not disputed

Sunday, January 14, 2007

in the middle of the night
something large hit our floor
i thought it was a big cockaroach
but it was a bat

i thought i could handle it with towels
but Jania was worried about rabies
they carry rabies
like we carry loose change

so we got hotel worker with a broom
i hoped for a catch and release mission
but it was a death squad
when she put her foot on his little head
i ran out of the room
i am squeamish

in the morning
i wished i has filmed it
it was the middle of the night
but i should have thought of it

i must be better
i miss too much
i see weird things
that you never will

Saturday, January 13, 2007

there is a more narrative version
of these adventures
jania is a punchy little prose writer
and can type a hundred words a minute

if you want to see it, you should click this

Friday, January 12, 2007

fifty thousand people
is so many
that you have to type out the words of the numbers

i interviewed windows of the revolution
a captain of the guard
he explained his medals to me
an ice cream vendor who said
he is worried about the United States
others who are not
I am worried about the United States
Aren't you?

Venesuela is the largest producer of oil in Latin America
Chavez was there
they signed a deal
to build 200 000 houses
and 30 power plants
see what you can do with oil money
and desire to do something
besides fuck over everybody in the whole world

and now we are on a beach
las pinetas
the little rocks, it means
the waves are big
the birds are big
the portions are big
i can't eat this
i'm full

nicaraguans officially make the third best coffee in the world
a contest said so
i'd rank it higher
most people can't afford to drink it
their own coffee
this hotel serves it though
i feel guilty
but it's so fucking good

we might stay longer than we planned
the clinic starts in ten days
there a fundraiser in edmonton
you should go

Bill, i think of you often
i wish i had your skill
shooting well is hard
i am also the sound man
my arms are tired
from holding things out
what are holding out, right now?
put it down
i'm talking to you

my spanish seems woefully inadequate
the people here talk so much faster than jania did when she was teaching me
going easy on me
she always does
she is talking to the little boy who broke his arm surfing
two weeks and he can surf again
there are puppies
when Nicaragua relaxes it can be so cute
when it's angry, its so scary

like lions

like everything

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Here i am in Nicaragua
It is a loud country
and hot
but like Bill says
think how the polar bears feel

tommorrow is the inauguration
of president daniel ortega
i will go
with 50 thousand others
angel is surrounding me with friends
so my camera won´t be stolen

today we taped at the centre
a long hug
from a challenged resident

it was nice

i went to the giant sandino siholette
it stands above managua
to show the spirit of the revolution is immortal
he stands there
he stands everywhere in Nicaragua
there is a cable you can ride
down across the water
like in a fake boot camp
i did
taping and screaming
getting a low budget arial shot

i saw a pretty lady with a camera in the mall
i interviewed her
she is an anchor with telemundo
i just sandbagged
the wolf blitzer of costa rica

she says the people of nicaragua
expect change

don´t we all

tommorrow i tape at the ministry of health
the access i am getting
is blowing my mind
all because of Angel
nuesotro amigo Angel

Me and Angel are on a double date
with Jania and Jesse
Jesse is one of three ´
of Angels media-novias
that mean half girlfriend

i am having a great time
a great time

Saturday, January 06, 2007

holy shit
we are going to nicaragua in the morning
holy shit

Thursday, January 04, 2007

I am not as smart as Kevin

but we knew this
You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 6/8 correct!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

scared

it might offend some
but the fact is
every independant film
i was ever involved in
was kind of bad

even when i was in charge
hell
especially when i was in charge

so how do i know
that my documentary
won't be too?

truth be told
it makes me feel

scared

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

new years eve
with Jania's family
boy they drink a lot
damn, those kids are loud
like birth control
for the spirit
happy new year
kiss
hug
happy new year
auld lange's ein

or something

today i am in the condo in calgary
shooting the things we are packing
for jump cutting later
my doc will be fun to watch
or so annoying
we will see
in the future

the condo is nice
the house in canmore
even nicer
its true what they say
there's money in oil
a younger me would have resented it
so in love was I
with my blue collar roots
now i just like it
is it because my Dad got richer
and so did I?
dark wood
good wine
spacious rooms
views
i like it

does that make me a traitor?

balance
is the key
to all things
especially a trapeze
which should be locked
it's so easy to steal
then where would the circus be?
in your heart?
i doubt it