packing for Calgary a bit
but Nicaragua mostly
did a stop motion of my pile of tapes
reaching up in a dated way
it's a big pile

bringing the old laptop
in case it gets stolen
then I can still write
and we can watch dvds

bringing a binder
for my notes
pre-logging my tapes
already shot a spanish lesson
or two

took back my camera to get a better one
price tag went from 799 to 949 to 1100
and i didn't rent a lav yet
they say this is how it's done
shoot some decent footage
and get money for post
they say
they say a lot of things
i ask a lot of questions
and get a lot of advice
i thank my advisors
i'd like to thank the academy
but I know i never will

there's some xmas footage
in and amongst
did i say this already
what did i already say
what i will i say in this doc
that hasn't been said already?

it's hard to be poor
they don't deserve the hard times they've had
america was unjust with them
it's all well known
to those who care to know it

and those who don't
will call me a liar
they can
if they want
just let me take my 78 tapes
through customs
i just like videotaping, sir
i don't need a permit
I'm just a tourist

taking a break from my comfortable life
to videotape some harder ones
to talk to people who have done more than me
in a language i don't know

I don't know
what I am doing

but it's never stopped me before

what you think of me

though this might not be accurate
because
there's no negative words
except for tense and proud
which were both used
maybe people who hate me
are reading my blog less
silly people
they don't know how nice i can be

or they do
and i stopped
either way
who cares
for christmas
i gave myself that
to not care

and an awesome video camera

anyway here it is
and merry xmas

(x can legitately mean christ, but when three christs get together, things are going to get dirty)

but here it is

Arena (known to self and others) bold, proud, self-conscious	Blind Spot (known only to others) accepting, brave, cheerful, clever, complex, confident, energetic, idealistic, independent, ingenious, intelligent, knowledgeable, loving, nervous, observant, responsive, searching, sentimental, silly, spontaneous, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) able, adaptable, extroverted	Unknown (known to nobody) calm, caring, dependable, dignified, friendly, giving, happy, helpful, introverted, kind, logical, mature, modest, organised, patient, powerful, quiet, reflective, relaxed, religious, self-assertive, sensible, shy, sympathetic

Dominant Traits

70% of people think that chris_crad_nok is clever

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (10%) adaptable (0%) bold (30%) brave (10%) calm (0%) caring (0%) cheerful (10%) clever (70%) complex (20%) confident (30%) dependable (0%) dignified (0%) energetic (20%) extroverted (0%) friendly (0%) giving (0%) happy (0%) helpful (0%) idealistic (10%) independent (40%) ingenious (10%) intelligent (40%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (30%) logical (0%) loving (20%) mature (0%) modest (0%) nervous (10%) observant (30%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (20%) quiet (0%) reflective (0%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (10%) searching (10%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (10%) sensible (0%) sentimental (10%) shy (0%) silly (20%) spontaneous (10%) sympathetic (0%) tense (10%) trustworthy (10%) warm (20%) wise (10%) witty (50%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 24.12.2006, using data from 10 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view chris_crad_nok's full data.

i hope

the night before
the night before christmas
the presents are crouched with their paper
waiting to emerge and be themselves
the devices and items they were made to be
bringing pleasure or not

but we tried hard

the pressure of a present dissapates
so soon after it's open
he liked it
she didn't
it just doesn't matter like it did
when it was a secret

soon we will be in nicaragua
warm and relaxed
two weeks vacation
before the work starts

we will sit on beaches
centenario on ice
una cervesa por favor
me llamo Chris
yo trabajo en el theatro
voy aser una pelicula
con los doctores de accupuncture
y mi novia Jania
la bonita Jania

yo estudio espanol
hablo bueno
I am told
but i'll need more than this

i've never made a documentary
for real
But I helped make a tv show
about rig workers
a doc series
well, a reality show
i'll shoot as best I can
and apply for post when i get back
This is how it's done
I am told

first christmas
then new years
some time in calgary
some high performance rodeo
and then we fly south
george bush airport in houston
managua nicaragua
es calor
es bonita
un viaje bueno
una pelicula de nicaragua

pelicula means movie
i'll make a movie that means a little something
for the very first time

i hope

click

they say self analysis
staves off paralysis
calamnity
inside of me
keeping my equamnity
parameters, examiners!
i'm trying to keep my sanity
explain to me
the me you see
my cool and mediocrity
the resulting view in me
could bring a brand new me to thee

click this:


right now!

this morning
i am the laziest lazy person
watching seinfeld season one
online
which is the new TV
wearing a robe
which is the old blue jeans

check out old movies
or india
people used to wear their robes everywhere
lucky

in season one jerry has the same mom
but a different dad
i wonder what happened
maybe he died
or was an asshole

i should learn spanish
or finish shopping
or schedule chimprov
or put together an application
to apply myself
here and there

george just delcared himself an architect
for the first time
he's gonna make that joke
for years

think of that joke you've been making for years

for me
it's when there's juice
and i put on a german accent
and say
we must eliminate the juice!

ha ha

i still got it

me and jules had a pretty good show last night
arlen and amy and mike and marc
had a better one
the first half had an off show
this is not new information

jerry's old dad
isn't very good
sometimes that's enough
to get you fired

thank god

jerry and elaine
are agreeing they can talk about other romantic partners
for the first time
for years
they will speak of little else
he then covers the concepts in his standup

this internet video
was originally recorded on vhs
i can see it on it
intermingling technologies
like a kid on his grandfather's lap

the poetry of spam

This was sent to me today:

homonym

Seriously, i dare you to disagree.

Like that high definition, free, streaming goodness coming right through your browser?

This is one of those moments.

This is one of those moments.

Every year we manage to find as many christmas galleries as we can and this year will be no exception.

Simply put, the purpose of liability insurance is to pay the insured's court costs and damages arising from a lawsuit against the insured.


Shop around: if you can find a personal health plan that offers benefits similar to her school's for less than twice the price they're asking, I'll be astonished.

It's rare that I get a question like this from a person who is, I'm guessing, prepared to understand the quantitative issues involved.

They'll just send you packing.

After seeing all of Daffy's accidents, Porky decides to buy the policy after all.



It is a bit like a poem that i wrote.

cab had a cold
during the show today
she had to leave the stage
to blow her nose

i am not even kidding

i will be better by tonight
she said
she sometimes gets head colds
that last for 8 hours

no one is well everyday
though ome people are sicker than others
are you sick right now?

of what?

of who?

Jack Black

Oh Jack Black!
Sexy funny fat man!

If you meet Jack Black,
Don't offer him cocaine.
Being a fat american comedian,
he really can't resist the stuff.
he'll die.

and it will be all your fault.

this poem is punctuated,
not just with symbols,
which tell you how to read it,
but with sounds,
that I am making,
with my hand and this filing cabinet.

"BANG," said my hand, "BANG!"
It was making a period.

last night
i beat jania
at scrabble
by tons

sometimes
when i want to focus
i move to a proper table
instead of sitting on the couch
it makes me feel
professional

sometimes
when i want to reveal
i open up a blog window
it makes me feel
confessional

sometimes
i put green leaves into a pipe
and smoke it
it makes me feel
expansive

sometimes
i charge as much as i can
for services i provide
it makes me feel
expensive

sometimes
i write terrible poetry
that i like anyway
it makes me feel
creative

because

this didn't exist
a minute ago
but now it does

which is fun

but on the other hand

what does it mean?

not much

it's such a minor work

so i guess its only right

that it only matters a tiny bit

if

at all

the view from my desk
is so much more expansive
than I am
which i why i am now on page 33
and likely to stay there
for hours

home

early in the morning
eating my cheesy toast
in my very own robe
in my home

my home
is spacious nd well appointed
inside

outside
is cramped and nervous
who's mad now?
do i have to go there?
do that?
i'd rather not
but i do

being in theatre
is like staying in highschool
everything's fine
as long as you're cool

i was a popular kid
for years
now i hang out by the automotive shop
smoking weed
picking fights
wearing black leather
mourning
sure
i am still cool
in my way
i don't really miss the football team
as people
i just dread my necessary trips
to their locker room

being in theatre
is like staying in high school
but being over thirty
means you can forget about it

because

really

who cares?

life is too large, short and crazy
and i am too

in conclusion

the votes are in
morton didn't win
honest ed came up from the farm

his arts policy
is a bit limp you see
matching funds, tax exemptions, i yawn

dion won his day
and he'll have his say
the next election is his to fight

my dad thinks he will lose
and canada will choose
to remain this far to the right

my dad may be correct
though it makes me reflect
on a canada distinct from the states

we still have health care
and better welfare
though the church is too close to the state

as the republicans mumble
and bush slowly stumbles
lying his way to the door

we're righter than ever
why is there no lever
to catch Harper deep in a boy-whore?

conservatives

morton certainly hears a who
scary voices of gays and women
it's strange day for a lefty like me
to be praying that dinning is winning

liberals!

stephane dion?
who who of thunk
will he tip the ball
on iggy's slam dunk?

by the way

seems i was wrong

morton is winning
says smarter people than me
so if you are voting

better vote for dinning

my liberal pals will be mad
but i disagree that liberals have a chance
even if the pc leader was

a hitler-bot that ran on baby corpses with a grandmother fisting habit that spewed a gas that gives you herpes-cancer

which ted morton almost is

so if you are voting in this thing
i say vote for dinning
i would
but i am in winnipeg

full

my belly is full
of the birthday brunch
cab made for beth
in appreciation of her existence
we are glad she was born
and didn't die yet

there were eggs and coffee
and pillsbury croissants
orange juice and advil
for our hangovers

last night we drank with miriam
and jackie and neil and claude and even lee-anne
and me
i was there too
that's how i can write this

at brunch we talked about doctors
bad bedside manners
good care for lawyers
the little lies people tell

(i told the cancer-walk t-shirt story
sorry, baby)

we talked about therapy
and winnipeg
and the food
and does betty have to pay the dogsitter
if she loses the dog?
no, we agreed, no.

now it is 1 pm
and i am going back to sleep
tonight the show
meet with the publisher lady
charm a stranger
maybe

two more sleeps before home
a brief detox
a back to work/hibernation
situation
before the xmas gorge

presents to buy

but

the present is a gift
we open moment by moment
so they say
those new wave buddhists

and yet

sometimes i want to return it
but it's already gone
it's rarely my size
though i like the color
the style could be better
but i would think that
even if it was

my fancy hotel apartment place
has that dingy boy thing
that boys can create
anywhere
without daily maids
even with
if they take pains
to be
extra careless

cab's place was vibrant with brunch
her iPod with speakers
her bright blue yoga mat
her tidiness
her blinds are open
the sun is her friend

i am a chubby vampire
so i hide from the sun

i am in winnipeg
so i don't have to decide
if i should buy a pc membership
to vote for jim dinning

doubling the afa budget
within two years
that sure sounds sweet

ted morton is a fag hating fuckstick

so i am not rooting for him

but since i am in winnipeg
i'll just watch
i have a lot of clothes here
so if it doesn't go my way
maybe i'll just stay here
they are NDP in manitoba
they have elections
where different people get elected
what is that called?

democracy

this right now is the closest
alberta has come to an election
in a long while

i am hoping for dinning
i am hoping for a laugheed style
i am hoping to apply for more than one grant
per fiscal annum

ted morton might help
get the liberals elected sooner
but he won't help anything else

and did i mention the fag hating?

dinning is winning
but not by much

if you are not in winnipeg
maybe get a pc card
after the election
we can burn them ceremoniously
the smoke will get ted morton high
and he will have his first gay experience
touching and sad
and sexually intense
he will come out to his congregation
come on to his organist

and the world will be a better place

a little

today was a day to get things done
to answer emails
and talk alot on the phone
about different projects
i won't list them
in case i get accused of bragging
or something

maybe some ex sort of almost
never really was
girlfriend of mine
will write a mean letter
and it will take me a week
to figure out who it was

but things need tending
the garden has to grow
well it doesn't have to
in fact
the odds are against it
that's why i need
so much fertilizer

but i have never claimed
that my fertilizer doesn't stink

does yours?

sometimes they want to publish a play based on a book published by a company that sold the rights to a larger company and you have to ask them

things can get complicated
did that sound like bragging
i didn't mean to
now i feel a bit anxious

maybe i should counterpoint
by talking about the chunky soup
i just ate
chicken ala king
with rivita crackers
delicious!
all in my apartment bed
where i spend most days
typing
and phone calling
and waiting
for the show at night
the drinks after
for the snow to stop falling
for my girl to get her flowers

oh she just did!
she texted me happy
now i am happy too
that's how it works

when you party a lot
you start to get used to it
do the hangovers lessen
or just become familiar?

early in the morning
but not that early
early for me is still early
for me

laptop warming my thighs
the office season three
american version
i like that show
it's really funny
even though its the american version
which is supposed to be worse
there are examples

my day off yesterday
i saw two movies
they were okay
it is easy to run out of decent movies
at my rate of consumption
which is high
but leaves little waste
except diet coke burps
and popcorn poo

cab and beth read me some
of my new play
it's coming along
it takes so many ideas
to write a decent thing
luckily they beget each other
like bible characters

one more week in winnipeg
then it's home
for christmas

phonecall

my girlfriend has a crush on me
because I am not there
(that's not why)
my plants are dying
but it is not her fault
she is trying
they just miss me
she does too

it's lovely to be around babies
she says
she see her friends with their children
they are so happy, amazing, spiritual
to share that

but the stronger feelings are
holy fuck
they are so loud
they move so much
and they want so much
and they need so much
a mixture of strong attraction
and strong repulsion
she says

are you laughing at me
she says
because i was
i hear you typing
should i let you go?

i am typing what you're saying
i say
and then
she says
then i won't say anything at all

someone practises trumpet
above me
i hear voice exercises
in the morning
this is an artsy little hotel

by the mall
near the best buy

today i don't know what to do
about
anything

my teeth are larger than my mouth
so i am always biting off
more
than
i
can
choose

between

be brave
make choices
what is better than nothing?
anything.
sometimes

there are things
that are hard and fast
rules
are not one of them
in this case
in which case
who's case
is this?

it's full of papers
i don't recognize
a swath of math
a hood of blood

somethings don't rhyme
even if they look like they should

split level pads
with so many roomates
that we're always out of milk
i ask questions
i seek input
i get lots
but from the outside

I'm working blind

and

the people who will complain
will not lend me two cents

from each according to their ability
to each according to their needs
sometimes need outstrips ability
and i am not a communist
or am i?

i still don't speak spanish
our subject matter grew
i am not smart enough
for my life

are you?

jump in swim
jump in drown
in the end
no
one
cares
which
i
do
but
me
you can drown in a bathtub
but you never do

that's true of everybody
think about it

a penny saved
is a penny earned
if you get that kind of interest
i am switching to your bank

my interest is waning
my wayne is interesting
no is called wayne anymore
or glenn
or morley

or edith

we're all achingly unique snowflakes
so we use more beautiful words

someday my son
Venison
and my daughter
Suduko
will tell me to
fuck off
and take the car
without permission

and then i'll know
that i should have just had
dogs
or a career
or a drinking problem
maybe
if i try hard
i could have all three

all i really need
is the dog

the day after
the party the night before
one might feel fatigued
during their two show day
one might lack patience
for the teenagers
who snigger and text

but me
i'm not even hung over

today i miss my girlfriend
so much
it is like a pain in my torso
in between the lungs
below my heart

Robert Altman

Hail to Robert Altman
He made good movies
He made bad movies
He made his movies
His way

He made Short Cuts
He made Popeye
He made the Player
He made Pret a Porter
He made good and bad movies
But they were all his

Be like Robert Altman
Make good things
Make bad things
Make your things

Live like you
until you're very old
And then die

trying to get on the internet can take hours
if there are issues
and there are

i am on the cable kind
but not the wireless now
my dragon is leashed
and now i am not absorbing media
at the rate to which i have become accustomed

so many reboots
so many trials
and errors

why don't i just call the shaw people
in the first place?
huh? why?

opening night

Mistakes were made
By me mostly
And others
It was not the best show ever
But god bless them
They bought it

Fictional characters drank with
Their actual progenitors
Lish by Lish
She even wore the hat

Steve and Lee showed up
With Marcie and um, Steve’s girlfriend
Very nice people
Herbie was there
I met lesli and james
He does great impressions of people we know
Authentic David Craig
Uncanny Ron Jenkins

We stayed up late at the basement party
Why not?

iPod versus iPod
So many halleluhjahs
That song
Gives me memories of the pain I used to feel
When I heard
That song

They left us there
I guess they trust us
I wouldn’t leave a visiting company
To end a party at my theatre
We were good citizens
We cleaned up after ourselves
Clean dishes
Piled up

The cab driver
Got lost
It made him angry
Brad reasoned with him
It was awkward
To take
The long way home

No one knows where queen street is
Not even me

Enter, smoke, turn on tv
Colbert is on again at four
Just in time to watch it
Before sleep kicks in my door

So I rhyme sometimes
So what

the long distance is free
the wireless internet password
still a mystery to us
and gloria
who runs the hotel

but i set up a computer to computer network
with somebody called airnet
sorry airnet
i am stealing from you
this bandwith was yours
but now it's mine

tonight we open the play
excitement is something i will have soon
i just had a little
just then

i will see my friends
steve and lee and miriam
maybe herbie
we will hug each other

the fake party is a cover
the real party is downstairs
you can come
if we like you

there is a giant moose head
and couches in a square
places to sit and stand
big enough to fit
small enough to make us cozy

we ate at perkins
gossiped about theatre
we always do
it's where we work

shopped at safeway
bought enough food to make
a poor immigrant cry
such plenty
and me without a horn

if i had one of my own
i wouldn't blow it myself
it's rude

maybe tonight i will poet again
but drunkenly
and shrunkenly
with all i have spent of myself
you'll get the last dribble
maybe

whoever said getting there was half the fun
was not on my flights
he did not take my cabs through rush hour post blizzard roads
he did not repack the prop box on the scale
is it light enough now?
how about now?

being here is most of the fun

because the hotel is wicked
a little farther
but fuck it
i can call cabs
with the best of them

the apartment is well appointed
the tv big screen
a dishwasher
the mall is close
big box stores everywhere
chain restaurants
but lots of them

we ate at joey's
i had the ahi tuna club
the only club to have someone like me as a member
it was delicious

tommorrow we tech
we preview after that
we line ran tonight
i am not out of breath

the opening, the theatre is not throwing us a party
they have the money
but it no one's job
miriam is a governor general's award winning novelist
this is the first play made from one of her books
set here, in her hometown
is that not worth 20 beers and a mixtape?

this is why no one in canada is a star
because we don't know one when we see one

miriam is a star and we know it
so we will throw the party ourselves
the techs whisper of a secret room
in the basement
where we can drink and talk and be
together
I have only been here for the fringe
they don't tell the fringe about the room
new countries
in a world i thought i knew

I am home
for 36 hours
wearing my own robe
kissing my own girlfriend
we watched our own tv last night
and had our own sexual experience
you can't have it
it's ours

i had dinner with my own family last night
almost all of the western leg
which is, let's face it
the main family
these days

dad made one of his speeches
about how proud he is of us
i like his speeches a lot
he always tells us how he feels now
now that we know about dying
nothing goes unsaid now
we're that kind of family

we ate ham
and a fruity dessert pizza
it was awesome
and relatively low fat
for my relatives
who are relatively high fat
it runs in our family

someday i will quit the gym and my diets
go somewhere really high
and
let
myself
go

it's tradition

today i am home
for 36 hours
me and jania will have a nice day
you can't have it
it's ours

if i wrote a poem in code
it might look like this:

then again it might not


it would be an easy code
because i have nothing to hide

the wizard of oz was on
it was a flop when it came out
and was only appreciated after it's death
like me

google is reading my poems
trying to decide what to sell you
based on my blank verse

it's funny

there is a strange isolated happiness
when you are wearing headphones
and everyone else is sleeping
they think it's quiet
but i know the truth
is much louder

there is a strange weary grasping
when you are checking your email this much
is writing so bad
that you bore yourself silly avoiding it?

procrastination is not a pro but a con
of oneself out of time
which i am not, not yet
but will be eventually, and time
is money, which i was paid to write
as a writer, a professional writer
partially

the money is gone, or this the same money
i can't remember which dollars i saved
and which i spent
on the things i spend on

generous, rich feeling phases
followed by miserly fear
expanding and contracting
like the universe

poor vernon little
books where everything goes so wrong for the innocent hero
make me anxious
poor ficticious character
poor everyone

i wish i could write novels
but i don't even want to write a play
i just want it written
and in rehearsals
and very good

yet somehow
i find the time for these poems
maybe because the internet is involved
it seems like play
instead of a play
which is work
understand?

sure.

jacob used to say to us
we don't work
none of us work
and he's right
but he used to feel righter
understand?

sure.

things mean things
art does and all that
and taking care of each other
and love
these all mean things
we're not just trapped animals
with freakish brains
spinning on a ball of mud
killing each other for no reason at all
things mean things

right?

i am on a bed
in kelowna
with my ipod on
my laptop on
connected!
all the infotainment-pornmation-socialintercon
warming my thighs
what does it mean?

it's time to be useful
be useful to something or someone
even if its yourself
something that means something
to you
or someone who means something
to you

something bigger than you
like a sasquatch or a universe

or an idea
of a hope

when you are wearing headphones and everyone is asleep
it's easy to feel like
you are
floating
alone

they think it's quiet
but you know the truth
is much louder

the school matinee
went fine
kids like it when you swear
and we do
a lot
in this play
in all my plays
i don't even notice
my own foul mouth

opening night
went real good
blah blah blah

teched all day
held the show for fifteen minutes
so we could tech some more
seat of our teeth
skin of our pants

sometimes
people program lighting boards
and then save the work wrong
cost = five hours
that scott will never get back

then we did the show
went real good
blah blah blah

yay democrats
hola ortega
latin is left
stephen colbert remains funny
harper offered to blow me
a long time ago
in a library

tell people

this morning ducks were at my window
they wanted popcorn
they got some
well, pop corn twists
by old dutch
that counts


i hope

intelligent lights
can be tricky
when not your own
they might be wired wrong

we did a line run
then had a three hour break

we walked the streets of kelowna
shopped at the wonderful consignment place
with its reds and stars
saw the chachkas
"welcome to my garden"
carved in stone
at least something is

but then, the art

there's these galleries and they are just chock full of awesome art
these people are rich and have gathered beautiful things to themselves
wouldn't you?

there is PST there

the gallery owners speak of many buyers from Alberta
spending dripping bags of black gold

but the art
twisted metal terminator two sculpture for geeks like me
shopping cart studies from vancouver
fat businessmen in bronze, in crowds, with tiny little heads
flashy landscape, improbably colored, lively

I loved the most the
porcelin busts of children in dunce caps with lizards with sayings carved in their flesh with children bursting cheerfully from their sides and slugs with the faces of babies

i don't do it justice

i will buy a small peice of it
it's all i can afford but i can't afford not to

i saw a group of seven painted outside the period when they were considered a part of the group of seven so it was only worth forty five thousand dollars, instead of a million
poor thing

i ate some yam soup
read a GQ
?uestlove continues to rock it old school
TV is talking about itself
large tie knots are in
it remains fashionable to be rich and thin and young and naked

now i am a little drunk
tommorrow i am called at 2 PM

and then we open


i miss jania
i am listening to Ben Harper
thinking sappily and happily
of beautiful her

now a drum solo is playing
i downloaded a bunch one day
they litter my iTunes
but i don't clean up
this one is Carl Palmer
he is quite skilled

i should sleep
but i'll probably watch a show
blackstar is blowing my mind and slowing up my typing

did you notice?
i should sleep

kelowna

kelowna is warmer
than edmonton
and presumably winnipeg
the air is moist
the trees are huge
and still green
i am small
and experienced
a willow weeps
down the creek from my window
i don't
why should i?

warren sasy kelowna is the victoria
of the okanagan
judging from the age of everyone
i'd say he's right
he's the front of house manager
but he used to be a doctor
his lincoln town car
is leathery and big
not unlike him
it's nice
not unlike him

the motel is from the 70's
furniture-wise
but it has free internet
and microwaves
one is more modern than the other

I am rooming with scott
he is nice
and smokes weed
just like me
we watch a show called weeds
that i downloaded
while high
two crimes at once
and no victoms

unless you count the brain cells
who have a weak lobby group
their protests fall on deafened ears
as my vices goosestep in

the theatre is gorgeous
a new facility
i will rattle alone in my dressing room
like a marble in a shoe box
i will hang out in the ladies
when they are decent
i am the only boy
in the cast
but not on the tour
brad is here
scott too
betty has characteristics of both genders
this is not an insult

the bar is close
the food is good
the portions gigantic
the techs are competent and nice
the theatre is gorgeous
a new facility

the factors align and conspire
to make the tour fun

this poem
beleives in a flat tax
and is against gay marriage
that's why it's over here

on the right

mormons

my name is earl
is a funny show
it's so positive
you should watch it
on rented dvd

because commercials give you cancer

but don't rent at blockbuster
it's run by Mormons
there's no evidence
that Mormons give you cancer
but I have my suspicions

go to the movie studio instead
or the alternative video spot
they are nice
and locally owned

i am locally owned
but i am travelling out of my proprietory area
this very day

waiting for the cab to come
waiting to get on the plane
wating for the plane to land
almost all of travel
is waiting

i am always ambitious
with my spare time
when i am on tour

i imagine hotel rooms
are the best rooms for writing
my play which i haven't been working on
my screenplay
which turns two soon

i have cds and a workbook
to learn Spanish
so i don't have to say:
lo siento
yo no hablo espanol
mi novia habla espanol
habla con mi novia

they are only too happy to

i haven't budgeted for hangovers
and sleeping all day
which i will also do
plus eight shows a week
the maximum allowed
by equity

i am bringing books to read
vernon god little
the posionwood bible
bridget jones
for dessert
it's all dessert
i like dessert

it is time to pack
which i will do badly
never enough socks

the day before

the day before i leave
i install jania's webcam
and sign up for yahoo messenger
it's the only one for me
cause i have a mac
she has a pc

the choice is not political

i not only have plane tickets
i also have a cold
it's in my nose
but keeps trying to leave
in the form of snot

i trap it in kleenexes
which is a brand, not a thing
when brands are really successful
they become the thing

rft will be fine
i made arrangements with joey
and with kevvy
joey i paid
but not kevvy yet

my dad goes away as much as me
sometimes more
we're gonna hang out today
we're a close family
thanks to my brother
and him dying
we're a close family

relatively speaking

i've been watching a hospital show
it makes me want to tell you all
to drive safely
respect your mortality
wear a seat belt
and when possible
a helmet
you are nothing without your big brain
less then nothing

because you will leave a hole

and

don't fall in love with your heart patient
he will die, in the season finale
we never knew what he did for a living
so i feel like i don't know him
jania cried, but i didn't

jania is napping
the fog blots the sky white
like a death on 6 feet under
i am warm
in my sweat clothes
but not sweating
still i deserve them
i bought them with my own money

i am lazy today
because i can be
they say courage is when you are scared
but do it anyway
lazy is when you have energy
but lie around even still
i still am
you know what i mean

but

who cares about james dean anymore
i have his rare TV appearances
on videotape
somebody thought i would like it
i will regift it
next chance i get
if i give it to you
act surprised

that was a tangent
you are a cosign
be obtuse
if you want to

there's a comfort in the air
a contentment
and blueberry muffins
today all the things i wish i was
don't matter
and i see through my own eyes

leaving town

the weekend before you leave town
is the busiest weekend
packing and seeing people and being nice to my girlfriend
so she misses me

instead of not

the weekend for me is busier than for some
because i have rehearsal
and a million improv shows
besides i always pack badly
forgetting something
never enough socks

i don't know when my plane is
or where my hotel is
but i am sharing a cab
to save the theatre money

the play changed a little
why not?
the actors are the same
but we changed a little
who wouldn't?

we throw a new football on the breaks
Shamus ate the old one
during Faithless
which is a different play

it toured too
to different cities
why not?

i am glad to get out of town
it is a small and sticky place
but i will miss my girlfriend

instead of not

late

after the party
my girlfriend is sleeping
i do things quietly
in the living room
there's a show we're watching
on rented dvd
she's an episode ahead
so i get to watch
and then bed

tired

no matter how little i work
i am tired at the end
i just want to smoke pot
and watch things with my friends

edmonton mornings
are so fucking cold
it takes hitpoints off me
and changes my attitude
which wasn't good anyway
everyone looks dorky
in their hats and parkas
it's a fashion equalizer
there's christmas and fun
winter isn't all dead homeless
but i hate hockey
and i don't ski
so what does winter offer me?

the new thing

is that i am not going to blog about my life or my feelings or anything i am doing or whether or not it is great.

just assume that it is, and that i am in varying degrees of inebriation, doubt, fun, social anxiety and lower back pain.

until further notice: poetry, mostly bad.

Playwright's Notes

Here are the playwright's note I wrote up for Summer of my Amazing Luck, my welfare Moms play.

When I read the novel on which this play was based, I was gripped by a familiar feeling, and then a new one. A familiar mixture of emotional exhaustion and exhilaration, (which I often have after reading a work that has moved me deeply) but also something new; a feeling of potential. Not Miriam’s potential, which is much greater than mine, but a potential for me and this book to do something together, and being as young as I was, potential was almost all I had.

I have always had a soft spot for single mothers. My own mother was a single one for some time during my childhood, and my life was a mixture of rollicking amusement, crying I couldn’t understand, landlords we were afraid of for reasons unclear, the occasional boyfriend, moving a lot, strange babysitters with large children of their own, generally all the things that float through the life of a child whose parent is single and poor. I related to Miriam’s novel on a personal and political level. I wanted very much to make it into a play.

During the five years it took to bring this work to stage I grew five years older, wrote several other plays and got a bit better at it, rewrote this one many times, stopped eating meat, started again, grew and shaved various styles of facial hair, broke up with a few women who were all far too good for me, and consumed many meals in restaurants. In all that time, my affection for Miriam’s book never waned, and my affection for Miriam herself only grew.

How well or poorly to treat our poor is a political issue in our country. It is generally the feeling of the left that the poor should be given a chance to live indoors and raise their children, while people on the far right feel somewhat differently. Critics make much of abuses and fraud of the system, which surely occurs. But, I was once told by a lawyer (one who worked for Canada’s welfare system) that it was his firm opinion that we spend much more money seeking out and punishing welfare fraud then we would lose if all such efforts were halted completely. It’s an interesting thought, especially if money is the important thing. I am for the raising of funding for social programs, and the allowing of part time work to keep welfare recipients in the working world, without knocking their earned wages off their benefits. With our current federal government, I might as well be in favour of tuxedos for dragons and the assignment of pixies to CSIS, ( or something equally unrealistic, like avoiding the complete dismantling of Canadian arts funding).

Lots of teenagers get themselves into trouble. Sometimes they can get themselves out and some can not. This is the story of those who couldn’t, but who made a life or themselves anyway. It’s about community, family and taking care of each other. In these times more than ever, we need to do just that.

I thank Miriam, Brad, Beth and Caroline, Scott and Betty, Dave, Tanya, David and Kevin, and all the folks at Theatre Network, and anyone here tonight who is moved to email, write or phone their MP, and support Canada’s Cultural workers with their voice. Lately, culture’s all that makes us different from the United States.

la la la

This week i feel like a baby howard stern. i am the king of all (small time) media.

I did this thing on CBC radio called the "In Crowd" where we get to plug stuff we think is keen around the City. I came armed with all kinds of dope stuff, so far as I think. I also plugged Bash'd and the RFT prime time shows because I am a sneaky fucker. I brought more than I could use, sadly, and did not get to plugs all the pal's stuff i wanted to. Luckily it's all so great it'll do fine on it's own.

I did this thing on CTV news. It was an in-depth report (which for CTV means a whole 3.5 minutes! that is 56.5 less than 60, which is what 60 minutes does) about the financial boom in Alberta. I was reporting on the arts. I stuck up for Edmonton, not only as a place to start out, but as a place to keep living. I gave as many plugs as I could to Mayor Mandel and dissed the provincial government as best I could. (it was easy)

Next I am doing this thing called a "Total Write-Off" which is like some kind of improv literature game show thing or something. I have no idea. They told me one of my co-guests would be the filmaker guy from American Movie, but I don't know if that panned out. Hopefully super fun.

I am told that soon my 7 minute comedy series for CBC radio will be listened to and decided upon by the higher ups. Only 9.65 months after it was made! Me and Peter Brown worked hard on it, and so did Andrea House and Mark Meer as voices extroidinaire. Fingers crossed. It would be fun to make a bunch more.

And Bash'd marches on. I like the reviews for the most part, and I hope it won't sound like too much of sour grapes or over senitivity to declare Luke Foster from Vue Magazine rather a dumb fellow. First he exclaims that bisexuality doesn't exist (I disagree) , and now he says rap isn't a worthy genre for the discussion of serious topics like gay bashing. I disagree without the use of brackets. (Sorry Fugees! No more rapping about poverty for you!) Check his latest hard hitting column to hear what TV shows he finds "nifty".

I am blogging more often now, aren't i?

so we opened Bash'd

And it went quite well, thanks for asking. Some folks left crying, and we got a standing ovation and such. Interestingly, for such a gay project, my girlfriend was there, loving it and me. Kevin Gillese, who I respect so much as a rapper was there. I blushingly reprint his review.

"the flow was tight throughout, with long stretches of awesome"

So I was releived. We hoped to be successful as actors and as rappers. All I know is, I am losing weight trying to do this show. It's a sweaty enterprize and no foolin'.

It's hard to imagine anyone is reading this anymore. My own fault, posting so seldom as I do. But whatever. Perhaps it will be just a little diary for me, and you all are my parents, sneaking into my room, trying to find out if I am on drugs. (which I am)

I know

I don't post too often. I am too busy and lazy to do so I guess, so I supose no one is really reading this at this point. Fair enough.

This is then, a message in a bottle.

It is a strange time for Chris, a time of change, of letting go of things I wanted which have proved impossible, were impossible all along, though I clung to hopes in a strange way, out of habit, I guess. Certainly not out of joy.

And a time of picking up new things, changing the focus of my life to something more positive.

I will never again try to break in where I am not wanted. I will stay and cultivate the places where I am. I will live in my new apartment with my wonderful girlfriend.

I feel strangely lost, and oddly free.

fringe drunk fun work, work, work

So the fringe opened up the other night and our RFT venue (Iron Horse BYOV J) opened the very next day. Last night the crumbs rocked a fine show and theatresports right after was no slouch either. fun times and happiness abounds. the play i directed, which opened in my absense as i toiled at the Iron Horse. I met an estatic A.H. in the beer tent and she extolled the virtues of our little comedy's acceptance by the masses, which in this case was actually a fairly respectable mass. Looks like the fringe is off and running. let the hangovers commence. let the beer tent schmoozing and review fretting begin. it already has anyway.

but listen, this is the main thing. i saw the pajamamen at their 11;45 show last night and I just could not fucking beleive how good it is. fuck. it makes a comedy artist feel inspired and small all at the same time. SO GOOD. No wonder Second City is producing these guys. They are special and how. See it, twice. I will.

Soon it will be time to build the venue agan at the iron horse. one of the things about having a byov is that in many cases you have to strike it completely and turn it back into a church, bar, sex dungeon or whatever it was before you got there. heavy lifting. it ain't all air conditioning and licenced venue. we only have to do it on weekends, but that is plenty, lemme tell you. so if you're bored at 4 or at 8;30 come on down. saturday is one of those fun days where we have set up AND strike. yay.

"life just goes on and on, gtting harder and harder" Rolling Stones

And I can see why. All that touring when you're 60? And now Keith has a brain injury and he's SO miffed that no one has noticed. Ah the the Stones. This is the truest thing they;ve said since "I'm so hot for her, I'm so hot for her. I'm so hot for her, and she's so cold.

Last night I got an idea for a play that happens entirely in a bed.

also

I pimped out my myspace profile, GIRLY STYLE! I am a huge homo except for the sex with women stuff (I mean woman. singular.) So check it out. the_crad_pad I think I called.

Summer Loving It

So I am pretty excited about that. It's my big chance to see ani defranco, and fiest and kris kristopherson, who I am familar with mostly from his work in the BLADE trilogy. I am going with my girlfriend, (rating=awesome) and staying at the condo her Dad stays in when he is too whatever to get to his house in Canmore (rating=sweet). So I am hugely set up.

I got tremendously busy again. I am now looking the footage I got to make my Rig show out of. Watching footage for shots is boring (see: Turnbuckle, our movie we made, rating=6.5/10) but at least I know how, and this is only 22 minutes long instead of 90, and I am being paid, unlike Turnbuckle, where I was paid only in exhaustion.

I am kind of into the creative challenge of it all. Creating crisis where they was little and injecting humour. These guys will talk so much shit about their boss it's hilarious. And I'll use it if they let me. I have no qualms. These cameras ain't hidden.

Also, we're heating up to the fringe. I got a venue to get going for RFT, a schedule to make, a play to direct, and not much in the way of time or budget to do it all in. Ah, the Edmonton Fringe. As fun as Edinburough was last year, this is fun too. The City wide craziness, the beer tents, he shows, the fun, the collapsing afterward, only to get up, fly to Atlanta and do it all again.

So, with a variety of thinga, I find myself super busy once again. I am liking it. Resting is for the unemployed. My life. (rating=awesome.)

How long has it been now?

A long time. Bad blogger! Bad! No treat!

So let's see. What have happened to me in the last month or so...

We closed the Ganza. All our friends went home and it was sad. Sentimental hugs and vows of palship abounded. Final trysts were conducted with extra intimacy and mumbled promises which for all I know, are still being kept. Bleary eyed artists got unto this plane and that, dealt with customs or had the yummy hug of a direct flight.

But did I wallow at home in post partum depression? Oh no.

I got on a plane and went to Toronto. Such a quick trip it was, so tight to the Ganza indeed, that I met Kurt and Becky in the airport and we shared a cab around.

Once there, me and Jania checked into the Castle Westin, which we paid for with airmiles instead of our flights. (ever do that? it's a great deal, cause airmiles always wants to put you on the worst flights and hotels costs just as much sometimes more. travel hints from crad!)

The next day, after some shopping (I bought a fancy new shirt) we went to the Doras. A rather glittery event, where my efforts were honored with three awards, and I was happy and proud. At teh party I smoked a giant cigar I had been saving and we watched the CN tower play hide and seek in the smog on our oh-so-miami-vice roof top patio. I got to hang out with Matt Barum (late of Edmonton, early of Second City Toronto). Good times.

Matt was kind enough to invite us to his home for brunch the next day and we were all over that. The next day I went and saw him in his second city show and me and becky did an improv set with them after. It was awesome.

On the street after we ran into Sheldon Elter, who is a pal, in town doing the Canadian Idol thing. What a star. We ran up to him screaming "SHELDON! SHELDON!" and for a minute he was sure we were the real thing. At the time he was voted off, he had the third largest internet fan club in the game. Watch out for him, famewise. He's gonna do awesome.

Then what. I came home. Chilled out a while.

Then I got this wierd gig. I am a writer on a show for OLN called "The Rig" which is like a doc series about this oil rig tht drills for oil. It pays TV, which is good, even in Canada, but very odd, as it is a reality show. So the writing done pre shooting is very hypothetical. To make matters crazier, they were without a director for a shoot, and they were so desparate, they asked me. So of I went (about two hours after my friends wedding) on a plane to grande prairie, which deserves its ironic E.

(what married you say?) Yes, my pals Brad and Caroline totally got completely married at the Rutherford house. I was not a best man, but I had jobs. I took wine places. And cheese. I can be counted on.

The rough and tumble camera crew and I drank with aplomb at the grand prairie college bar, where people were actually quite young and attractive. Our PA Krishna got so drunk we were almost asked to leave. We were asked to "corral our buddy" which was easier said than done.

We went to the actual oil rig and shot the guys goofing off. "Rig watch" they called it. These guys are funny and nice, but crass and all get out. They spoke openly about the "fat girls' they had bedded the night before, how much they had drank, experiences on mushrooms when they thought they had wet their pants. What would you do at 22 with 100K a year as your income? Bang (and I quote) "fat girl pussy" in Fox Creek Alberta? Me neither. But oddly, there are no oil rigs in Manhatten, so they can not be blamed for their location.

All in all, the trip left me tired and a bit more materialistic. TV people and rig guys drink about the same amount and make similar money. Good thing money doesn't matter. Right?

Right?

Ganza rages on

If there were some sort of drying rack one could use on one's liver, I could use one now. But I must hitch up my manhood and enter drunkenly into the fray, for the Ganza is only half over.

Wave two begins today with a doubling of the Ganza ensemble. We now have Slovenia, Vancouver, more Australians, some Regina, and a little extra Seattle. The love never stops.

Also:

The Stanley Cup has come and gone, and sadly we did not win. I was there, front and centre at the old Strathcona Hotel, drinking pitchers so cheap, I thought I was in University again. The Oilers hit the ice calmly, we were all expecting a win, especially after the game 6 blowout, but it was not so. Where are we left, am I left, after such a confusing relationship with this hockey contest, to at the end be left with nothing but disappointment. We gave this contest thousands of beers, horn honks, arrests and police hours. It gave us hope. Are we the less, that we hoped and lost? Only in terms of taxes. For we are richer in spirit.

It was a tale told time and time again in Edmonton, a small place with a big heart, stepping to best in the world and holding our own. I am nothing but proud.

And the wonderful Patti Stiles late of RFT, but now of Impro Melbourne, brought us this fun game, called guru. Mark is being the guru. 

And City Councilman Michael Phair was there to cut the ribbon and open the festival! He is awesome. 

Quicksilver Theatre is damn funny. 

Ganza Opening!

So the day was wet and the population hockey-ified but fans of RFT showed up in strong numbers anywayto help us crown the glistening head of Ganza 2006. Thanks so much to the fans that braved riot central to support us and our international guests. You guys rock.

The show was funny as all get out, if I do say so myself. And well I might, for the contributions of RFT were just the tip of the comedy iceburgh last night. Tonto's Nephews, our Catch 23 friends, Quicksilver from Belgium, and our BBF's Dad's Garage Theatre from Atlanta made us so proud with their high class japery.

The party raged late and loud in the Varscona lobby and backstage. Much longer backstage, as it turns out. I left near 4, charging the valient Kevin Gillese with lockup duty. It was much later again when he stumbled home. What a trouper.

The fest rages on, and this is just the first hang over of many. Come on out and see us! Infact, here is a schedule!

IMPROVAGANZA 2006 Rapid Fire Theatre’s International Improv Festival, June 14 – 24, 2005

MAY 29	MAY 30	MAY 31 Email all RFT – voluntter work	May 31 Email to fans: Ganza! Workshops!	June 1	June 2	June 3
June 4	JUNE 5 eMAIL TO FANS:	JUNE 6	JUNE 7	JUNE 8 EMAIL TO FANS	JUNE 9	JUNE 10
JUNE 11	JUNE 12 into the space projector hung lighting tweaked opening cue created floor painted curtains hung	JUNE 13 EMAIL TO FANS	JUNE 14 WED Call: 7 p.m. 8 p.m. Showcase: INTERNATIONAL JAM - all hands on deck! Bill, Mark, Kevin, Condor Second Act – a) RFT vs Dad’s MARK, CRAD, BEL,BILL b) ALLStars vs Tonto’s LATE NIGHT – Reception a go-go in the Varscona Lobby	JUNE 15 THURS GANZA GUEST JAM – lead by BECKY JONHSTON CALL: 7 P.M. 8 p.m. Showcase – RFT - The BelindaMeer Second Act – a) Seattle vs All Stars b) Iron Cobra vs RFT Kevin,Joey,Arlen, Jules - CRAD Hosts	JUNE 16 FRI CALL: 7 P.M. 8 p.m. Showcase: Iron Cobra Second Act – a) RFT vs Melbourne b) Tonto’s vs Seattle Belinda,Condor,Mark,Jules - Crad Hosts LATE SHOW 11 pm First Act – a) Melbourne vs Dad’s b) ALLStars vs RFT Crad,Mark,Arlen, Kevin - Joey Hosts Second Act - Jam show!	JUNE 17 SAT MATINEE - 2 pm KIDPROV! With puppets – Tim from Atlanta hosts Second Act – CALL: 7 P.M. Showcase - Tonto’s Nephews TO a) quicksilver vs Dad’s b) AllStars vs Iron Cobra LATE SHOW 11pm Act one –Showcase: UP – Seattle Second Act – Showcase – Dad’s Garage – Atlanta
SUN, JUNE 18 Morning – Women in Improv – workshop lead by Patti Stiles 11 – 2pm BBQ AT KAREN’S COUNTRY ESTATE (rides provided) 1-7 p.m. Movie Night at the Varscona – for Ganza guests, RFT Playas and good friends only	MONDAY, JUNE 19 EMAIL TO FANS DARK masterclass workshop 11am – 3 pm PUBLIC WORKSHOP 7 - 10	JUNE 20, TUES CALL: 7 P.M. 8 p.m. a) Instant vs Narabov b) Quicksilver vs Fools Second Act – Jam Show!	JUNE 21, WED LUNCH AT CHIANTI’S 1 PM CALL: 7 P.M. 8 p.m. Showcase: : RFT – Young Guns Second Act – a) Iron Cobra vs Melbourne b) Narabo vs Seattle	JUNE 22, THURS EMAIL TO FANS Edmonton Queen ride 2-4 p.m. CALL: 7 P.M. 8 p.m. Showcase: Teatre Narabov (Slovenia) Second Act – a) Dad’s vs Instant b) Melbourne vs Tonto’s	JUNE 23, FRI Gateway Rec Centre 2 – 5 p.m. CALL: 7 P.M. 8 p.m. Showcase: Quicksilver Theatre Second Act – General Fools (Regina) LATE SHOW 11 pm – Act One – Melbourne Showcase Second Act a) Quicksilver vs Iron Cobra b) UP Seattle vs Fools ACT THREE - CRAZY LATE JAM SHOW	JUNE 24, SAT MATINEE 2 pm KIDPROV – with puppets! Tim from Atlanta hosts CALL: 7 P.M. –JAN Instant Theatre (Vancouver) Second Act: FINALS Fourth place team vs second place team – WINNER goes to FINAL LATE SHOW – 11 pm 3rd Place vs 1st Place WINNER goes to FINAL Second Act: FINALS FINALISTS vs FINALISTS = WINNERS!!!!!!!